The Terrific Twos

Happy Birthday to the cutest baby boy! Banh Mi turned 2 a few weeks ago and we celebrated with a trip to the tulip fields and cake for the occasion. He loved running through the fields and tried to eat the tulips as well but we had to stop him since we’re not sure if they use pesticides on the fields.

Since last year, he has become a full free roam bunny with access to the entire house! He’s become much better at being litter trained and have kept accidents to a minimum. He’s also recently learned to give us kisses on the nose in return for treats. He’s so adorable about it. Every morning when I wake up and get ready for the gym, he runs to the same spot in the living room and stares at me waiting patiently for his breakfast salad. And then every night when I come home from work, he jumps into the computer chair (he’s claimed it as his dinner spot) and patiently awaits me to bring him his dinner salad. It’s really cute and amazing how accustomed he is to this routine. He sleeps with us every night underneath my bed in his cute little bed with his plushies. To some, he’s just a bunny, but to us, he’s our entire world and we are his entire world. He’s the sweetest boy, always being gentle when nibbling food from our hands. He’s learned to thump at us when he’s upset or if he wants to demand a treat (it really is the most adorable thing to see such sass from him), and he’s learned to tell us when he wants to be put down from sitting up high on our desk or when we’re holding him too long. For such a little guy weighing in at 3.6 lbs, he’s got the funniest personality. You can’t help but fall in love with him. He’s gotten into some interesting mischief in the past year and we’ve also encountered some scares here and there. It’s been a learning experience as we adapt our lives around him, but when you love this little boy so much, you want nothing more than to protect him and always make sure he’s happy, healthy and well cared for. I think about him constantly when I’m not home and I always find myself checking in on him and wanting to rush home to see him. He’s also been a savior for my mental health the past few months as I navigate figuring out my health issues. He’s my little ball of serotonin I needed at just the right time in my life. They say these are the terrible twos but I’m enjoying every moment of it.

The weather is finally warming up some and I’m hoping on taking him out more this year, both on dates and just outside in general. Especially since we got him vaccinated last fall for the very purpose of him being able to go out more. We’re slowly putting together a garden in the backyard so hopefully we can keep our yard tidy enough to let him run around more often to get his exercise in. He always looks so cute hopping and leaping around. More beach picnics and backyard BBQs to come this season!

Here's to 34!

This is a belated birthday post that I originally had drafted together but then life happened and October was a busy month and then November was a whirlwind so here we are.

I wish I could say that I have it all together, that I knew what I was doing, that I’m very happy and know where I’m going. But the truth is, some days I just don’t. I wonder if it’s because I overwhelmed myself that I now have that feeling of uncertainty after finishing a lot of crazy goals this year. After coming off my Dopey high this January, I felt guilty that I couldn’t just be happy with my achievement, despite feeling good about it. I felt compelled to look for the next mountain to climb, but I also struggle with forcing myself to slow down. I really don’t want to do more.

Is it also weird that I feel like I didn’t do much of anything this year? I know I did a lot but sometimes it feels like such a whirlwind you forget it all. I feel like I should’ve done more but I also spent part of the year slowing down and trying to recover from going hard.

I feel like a lot of my life is like that. I feel expected to do more but I really just want to just be sometimes. And unfortunately we live in a world that doesn’t allow us to just be. You’re not allowed to just be happy, just be content, with what you have. Society wants us to yearn for more. Why?

I don’t want to keep up with the Joneses. I just want to be able to keep up with myself. That alone is hard enough because that bitch be doing too much sometimes. I’ve done a lot since 2018 when I started to finally get my shit together but now I have that “now what?” problem since completing a lot of what I wanted to do. And I’m also scared of that because truth be told, I told myself I’d finally settle down and have kids once I’m done with all my shenanigans, but I still don’t know if I’m ready or wanting to have kids. And I feel so weird for it because everyone else around me is in their baby fever-developing families mode. I also feel like I subconsciously keep adding things to my to-do/accomplish list purposely to delay the inevitable.

Sometimes I wish me from the future could call me and tell me it’s going to be okay. You’re where you need to be and it’s all going to work out. Just live and be happy.

I don’t know what I want but I know what I don’t want.

I read earlier this year that it’s so ingrained in us that “making it” and “becoming successful” is rooted in gaining power over others. This doesn't excite, motivate or interest me. I don’t want to climb any more ladders. I don’t want to be anyone’s boss. I don’t care to tell anyone what to do with their life or how to live it. This doesn’t feed my soul. This is not success to me. I’m too far burnt out for that shit.

I've been learning patience with others and learning to be happy for other people for what THEY want, and not how I expect it to play out. As I grow older, I've learned that my idealized version of their happily ever after is not necessarily what they want. Ultimately I want happiness for them. And happiness, as cliché as it sounds, looks different on everyone. I'm learning to be ok with that. There are so many different endings to a happily ever after.

Actually, I lie. I do know some things I want.

I want to love my life. I want to take pictures of everything and everywhere I go. I want to tell the people I love how much I love them all the time. I want to have more courage to take the leaps that help me grow even if it makes me feel uncomfortable in the moment. So many of us live our lives regretting never taking that step. Why should I live my life in fear? So many of us die and no one remembers a thing we did so we might as well take our lives and make it the best story we can write.

Don’t waste that shit.

Long Live The Queen

When I was 16, I had a very different picture painted in my head of what I expected my life was going to look like at 30.

Back then, I was still teetering between being a doctor (what my parents wanted) and fashion design (what I wanted). I thought I was going to attend an Ivy League. I wanted to be married by 30, live in a big house with a balcony, white picket fence and swing in my yard.

Fast forward to the real world today and I am a doctor, but not that kind of doctor. My parents wanted me to be bác sĩ but I ended up being a doctor of pharmacy instead. They still can’t figure out the difference no matter how many times I explain to them I can’t diagnose. But they’re accepting of my profession regardless which is enough for me. I’m not a [total] failure in their eyes.

I ended up backing out of wanting to go to Ivy League because (a) I didn’t want to pay for it and (b) I didn’t want that pressure. It’s a good thing I didn’t because it would’ve been a waste of money in my early years.

I did end up married and I have my own house but it definitely looks different from what I envisioned. You learn to compromise when house hunting because budget and damnit, buying a house is damn hard. Owning is another battle all its own once you’re in.

But what is all of this digression getting at?

Your life won’t always turn out the way you originally wanted. Sometimes it turns out better. It doesn’t happen without a few struggles and falters and tumbles, of course.

My mom still wants me on a certain path though as she continually reminds me that my “eggs are dying.” She’s not the only one pressuring me either. It seems the whole world is watching sometimes and nagging me as to when I’ll have kids. But the question isn’t when, but rather for me, it’s if. I know I shouldn’t say that out loud and give my mom a heart attack but again, at this current stage in my life, I don’t see it in the cards. Check with me in the next 5-10 years. It's also probably because I am the oldest in my family and since I have no kids yet, my mom feels like I'm delaying the rest of my siblings from starting families. Talk about pressure.

It’s funny because my family is very different from my husband’s. Everyone on his side has started having children already, his siblings and his cousins. I see them all and despite their happiness and feelings of fulfillment, it doesn’t spark any of that for me. All I see are another pair of shackles similar to my mortgage and student loans. I just see a money sink holding me back from my full potential if money were not an object. Do I feel like I’m falling behind? Absolutely not. As much as my mother stares at all these people around me having children and building families while I am not, it doesn’t fester any envy inside me. It does the total opposite, lol.

I’m not ready because I’m still working on my empire.

The funny thing is there’s so much I still want to do. And so much I still have yet to figure out. I just turned 31 and I still have no idea what I really want out of life when it comes down to it. I don’t know where I’m going or what I really want my endgame to be. Ideally I want to not live in NY the rest of my life. But I’m also scared to take the risk and jump. Pharmacy is practical but it’s not something I really envision doing for the rest of my life. I just know that I can do it.

But I also know that I am capable of more. I just don’t know what that ‘more’ is, exactly. And the particular more that certain people want me to do, I actually don’t want to do, as ironic as that sounds.

Sometimes I wish I had jumped on the influencer train sooner to monetize what I was already doing before IG hoes made it a career. But that’s a different topic altogether. Truth is, if there was no Instagram or huge social media platform, I’d still be running around planning and doing all these photo shoots and capturing moments of my life. I was doing it before social media took off, regardless of who saw and liked my photos. I do this because I love it. I’ve never “done it for the gram,” I’ve always done it for the shot. Because this is my art and what makes me feel alive. Even if I was the only one who saw the photo, I still wanted to capture the moment. Which is what started this blog, ironically. For years before Instagram was a thing, I’ve been dabbling in photoshoots with nowhere to really display all the photos I took. It all sat on my hard drive. I share a few here and there on IG, but here on my blog I can post full galleries of the entire shoot instead of just 1-3 shots. I finally have a nice way of cataloging my work and sharing it with those who want to view more.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this blog post, honestly. I’m just reflecting on life stuff as I turn 31. There’s also still so much I have to learn and un-learn. I’m still growing and still figuring out ways to challenge myself. It’s hard because growth requires a level of uncomfortability and that takes patience and time. Of which I’m not always willing to partake in, because I don’t like being uncomfortable. I know the end result is worth it but the struggle part is what scares me. I will get there in my time. I’m in no rush.

Remember your journey is your own, and that just because you haven’t checked off a certain number of boxes by the time you turn X age, it does NOT mean you are “unsuccessful” by any means. Timelines are unrealistic and sometimes boring. You need to rewire your brain and unlearn all of the societal and parental pressures looming over you. Write your own story and do things in your own time and pace.

In the meantime, I’m not allowing my age to stop me from being extra and dressing up fancy on a regular day for no reason. I hate when people ask me where I’m going like I need a reason to look nice. I always want to ask back, well why are you so poorly underdressed? I always found the following lyric to be a great life mantra for me.

“I don’t want my best dressed day in a casket.”

Until then, long live the queen of điệu.