Lately I've been feeling off. Or rather this entire year has been amiss. Despite keeping busy and keeping an ongoing itinerary to distract myself, it catches up with me. I don't know how to describe it. I've been feeling overwhelmed. Unhappy. Heavy. Trapped. Sometimes I feel like I'm screaming and no one can hear me. Or they choose not to. I've found myself waking up at night sometimes in a ball of sweat crying and anxiety ridden. It's been a lot of bad dreams lately. And what they all have in common are things that go wrong.
Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if I just didn't exist. It used to be just a random thought when I get depressed occasionally but it's becoming more common as I struggle to fight and keep the demons that get in my head at bay. Because sometimes I just want it to end. I don't want to deal. I don't want to fight it. What am I living for? What does it matter if it doesn't feel like I matter.
Sometimes I think I need help. I need therapy. But I don't know where to start.
Sometimes I want to start over. But I'm also afraid to. It feels like things are broken. I want them fixed but sometimes it feels like you're up against a wall and no matter how much you try to fix something, it just keeps fighting you wanting to be broken.
Nothing is going the way I want it to. And I'm tired of fitting in spaces for other’s comfortability and still falling short.
I just want to feel seen. But because I don't feel seen, I also want to disappear.
Help. I'm tired.
