Year of the Rabbit

January 22, 2023

2023 is a year of the Water Rabbit, starting from January 22nd, 2023 (Chinese New Year), and ending on February 9th, 2024 (Chinese New Year's Eve). The sign of Rabbit is a symbol of longevity, peace, and prosperity in Chinese culture. 2023 is predicted to be a year of hope.
According to the Dragon Chinese Horoscope 2023, the year of Water Rabbit will bring good luck for the Dragons in various aspects of life. The Dragons might suffer a financial loss at some point during the year but don’t be disheartened as if you don’t give up, you will be able to make more money than you lost, reveals Dragon Chinese Horoscope 2023. You will witness an improvement in your financial life and find new ways to sail through different situations. However, you are advised to not spend lavishly and save your money for the future. You must also plan to expand your income sources. Also, keep making mindful investments as they might yield good profits. This year, you will perform well in achieving your dreams as you will finally figure out the best way that works for you, says Dragon Chinese Horoscope 2023. You need to surround yourself with people who motivate you in doing better. You are advised to be open to changes as change will bring new opportunities for you this year. It will be a year of happiness and bliss and you will enjoy yourself to the fullest. However, you must not make hasty decisions and ensure that you are walking in the right direction. Also, let go of people or things that hinder your progress. It will be a splendid year for the married Dragon natives. All your problems will be resolved as you will find the right solution. The married couples can also plan to expand their family. Both partners will understand each other and will be willing to bring changes in life for a better future.

The transition from the year of the tiger into the year of the rabbit has been a bit rocky these past few weeks for me. All the horoscopes I’ve been reading for the dragon has been all over the place. Some horoscopes say for dragons, 2023 will be turbulent, and some say it will boring but safe and that I should wish for just that and not rock the boat. I should use the year as intended for hope, rest and peace.

Interestingly in contrast to the past few years, I have no grand plans for 2023 in terms of conquering any huge new mountains and milestones (besides maybe the NYC Marathon as my first world major). I was going to look at it as a year of finishing up lingering projects like our house, and work towards more stability before we make any more new major changes. I wanted to work on cutting my spending and saving more. Unfortunately, the saving part is a little hard with all the financial curveballs being thrown (this past week I had to send my car back into the shop for yet another issue that needed fixing) along with the soaring costs of living. Groceries are becoming more and more expensive to afford. The price of just existing is…exhausting. BUT! I don’t want to linger on the negative during Tet/the Lunar New Year. They say not to focus on the negative. For the new year, one should surround themselves with positivity to usher in new beginnings. I want to look forward to it as a time of renewal and celebration. I also want to reframe my train of thought and energy into focusing more on the positive, practicing more gratitude. I want to work on being supportive and there for my friends and their milestones and new ventures.

Speaking of new ventures, Disney announced they were bringing back Disneyland races in 2024 and released dates for next year. I was excited until I saw the dates are Jan 11-14, 2024 and that registration is Feb 14, 2023. So not much time to make a decision. I really wanted to go since it would be a new race course and my first time running on the West coast, but then I realized next year is also the year of the Dragon Feb 10, 2024 and I also had wanted to visit the West coast and experience the new year there. I don’t want to make 2 trips to California a month apart considering how costly it is to fly and visit the West coast. I’ve been debating with myself for the past few weeks about it but ultimately I think I’m going to pass the Disneyland races and go for the lunar new year celebration in February instead. I’m justifying it saying the year of the Dragon only comes once every 12 years, and I can honestly run the Disneyland races the following year (hoping they still have them on - I’m worried about this part because they just brought them back finally after not having them for a few years due to conflicts with Anaheim county). I’m more excited to celebrate the year of the Dragon since it’s my animal and the last time it was my year, a lot of great, prosperous things happened. In 2012, I graduated college, passed my professional licensing exam, got engaged, and bought my first car. My parents finally accepted my life not living at home but with my boyfriend-turned-fiance as I moved out. I graduated with a job offer and while that first year as a pharmacist was rocky, I would still deem it successful as I transitioned into my role. For lack of a less cheesy term, there was a lot of adulting that year, lol. But I’m proud of everything I accomplished in my year. I’m hoping 2024 will be just as prosperous and auspicious.

Here’s to 2023 being a year of stability and working on my gratitude for the simple pleasures of life. I do need to slow down and stop trying to accomplish everything and simply take time to celebrate what I already achieved. I never made time to simply be happy about my successes and reflect on how it brought me to where I’m currently at in life and be grateful for it. This year will be about staying grounded and level-headed as I prepare for the year ahead. I want to work on this to bring balance to my life and hopefully improve my mental health for it. I don’t want to waste any more time thinking I’m not enough and fixated on a number on the scale. My life is worth more than that. I’m really hoping to bring a little more harmony to my life this year and less turbulence and drama. I’m also hoping to spend more time connecting with friends and family as time allows. It sounds boring, right? Well, maybe sometimes boring and safe is what’s needed to bring myself back to a balanced nature after being so full of ambitious change these past few years. It’s my time to rest before coming out in full spirit for the year of the dragon next year!

Here’s to the year of the rabbit!

Anxiety

January 9, 2023

I'm a bad bitch, and I got bad anxiety
People call me rude 'cause I ain't lettin' 'em try me
Sayin' I'm a ho 'cause I'm in love with my body
Issues, but nobody I could talk to about it
They keep sayin' I should get help
But I don't even know what I need
They keep sayin' speak your truth
And at the same time say they don't believe, man
Excuse me while I get into my feelings for a second
Usually I keep it down, but today I gotta tell it
Not that anybody gives a fuck anyway
But everybody talkin' shit probably sucks anyway
Y'all don't even know how I feel
I don't even know how I deal
Today I really hate everybody
And that's just me bein' real, yeah
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday
Bad bitches have bad days too
Friday, Saturday, Sunday, bounce back
How a bad bitch always do
All I really wanna hear is, "It'll be okay"
Bounce back 'cause a bad bitch can have bad days

Sometimes I feel like my own worst enemy. It’s been quite the week and it’s only the first week of the year. Is this what my 2023 is going to be like? To be fair, I was feeling apprehensive walking into it, whereas past years, I ran into it like BRING IT ON. Is this what growing up is like? You develop irrational fears and anxiety that didn’t use to be there? Like how I used to ride Six Flags rollercoasters back in high school fearlessly, but nowadays, I have a real fear of death if made to ride Tower of Terror. I hate that drop feeling in my stomach. I also developed bad anxiety on planes when experiencing turbulence. My last trip home from California, I started looking up Jetblue’s crash statistics when turbulence hit and went on a downward spiral on the internet. Let’s just say, I’m seriously considering getting Xanax prescribed for the next plane ride. Sadly, I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

But it’s like Meghan’s song says. I do feel like I need help a lot of the times. I do feel like I want to talk to someone, but at the same time, I don’t know who to turn to, where to go, how to ask. I don’t know how to heal from trauma. I feel like I’ve played this strong, independent, bad bitch person for so long, everyone sees me as someone who can handle it. So I don’t know how to translate my pain into asking for help and be vulnerable. I smile a lot and I’m okay for the most part, but there are days where I feel low. And sometimes, overwhelmingly, severely low. And when I feel drained from feeling this way, it’s like I’m running on E. It’s either I’m all the way up, or all the way down. Why does it feel like a rollercoaster? Why can’t I have just medium moments where I feel like okay, this is manageable? Le sigh. I didn’t use to feel this deeply about my anxiety in the past but as I get older, it feels harder to cope sometimes. Is it because of getting older or is it because of everything piling and adding up?

In the meantime, I guess I’ll write about what I know. An emotional dump, if you will, to work through my feelings and anxiety. Especially since therapy is expensive and time-consuming to even search for the right person to talk to. I’m going to try and do more of this in 2023 to try and crack down on the heaviness I feel in my life. Maybe this is the year I work through my trauma. A cathartic release. I wonder if I should get a small journal to keep with me to write down my thoughts when they come. It’s funny because this is what I use my long distance runs for. Therapy to work out my thoughts. But maybe I need to place to jot it all down instead of letting it bounce in my head.

This week, part of my anxiety is from all the different emotions I feel from my grandpa passing. I feel guilt, I feel regret, I feel like a bad person, I feel sad, I feel angry, I feel…lost.

My grief from Rocco’s death is different from my grandpa’s death in many ways, which probably doesn’t make coping any better. The depressive state and feelings of sadness are familiar, but the circumstances with each death, I’ve learned, I have to learn to grieve, cope and heal in a different way. With Rocco’s death, it was sudden and unexpected; I had just seen and spoken to him a day before and everything seemed fine. With my grandpa’s death, it was expected due to his old age and known declining health and condition, so it was more a natural course of life, but still devastating and heartbreaking nonetheless. Both still hurt.

My grandpa’s death, hit me in a depressive wave. I’ve spent the last few years purposely avoiding my dad’s side of the family due to the toxicity I experienced growing up. I never felt like I belonged or welcomed much. This can also be attributed to the toxic nature of Vietnamese culture growing up as well. The stereotype or rather the shared experience amongst my peers is that our families are not directly encouraging or supportive of our desires, our personalities, our dreams, our expressive nature, our career choices - especially if they’re outside the realm of traditional jobs our parents want us to follow. They tease us, they bully us, they discourage, they can be very mean and harsh growing up. And all any of us ever want is to feel accepted and “enough” as we navigate our way through life and figure out who we are meant to be. My relatives were definitely very judgmental, snarky, snobby, and rude. I grew up with them because my parents would send me to stay with them every summer vacation. When I reached college, I was finally old enough to make my own decisions and stopped going, opting to stay home and find a summer job instead. So my visits started becoming more limited and then after I got married, life and my full time job got in the way and I used that an excuse that I was just too busy to attend. So if I’m being honest, I haven’t had the greatest relationship with them.

But again, if I’m being honest, it’s not fair to talk about the bad parts only, and not give credit for the good parts. Growing up, they called me too skinny, too fat, ugly, told me I was wasting my time in fashion school when I took summer classes at FIT, they insulted my mother calling me mất dạy because I didn’t dress conservative and was more outspoken and loud than most children and brazen enough to talk back to defend myself. But like how I’ve given my parents some grace and forgiven them for our past relationship growing up, I too should reflect on my relationship with my relatives and give them credit. They were there for me to provide for me when my parents couldn’t afford everything I needed - especially in a family with 4 other siblings who had needs too - and also a lot of times would buy me things I wanted as well. I say this because wants and needs are obviously different. My aunt provided me with an expensive TI-84+ calculator when my parents could not afford it, but my aunts and uncles also bought me fashionable new school clothes and shoes for the fall school year so I would feel less than the other kids. They may have been snobby but sometimes it worked in my advantage, lol. And they did a lot of times, provide me with spending money so I could buy snacks and fun things at school when my parents could only give enough for lunch when we no longer qualified for free lunch. They provided me with a lot of experiences my parents simply couldn’t due to time and limited funds trying to raise 5 kids. They took me to see the latest popular movies. They took me to Coney Island. They took me to see Santa Claus at the mall. They searched for hard to find Sailor Moon merchandise at a time when it wasn’t popular yet like how it is now. They let me stay up late and watch as much tv as I want since I didn’t have cable back at home. They took me to see the 4th of July fireworks. They took me to beaches and they always bought me my own Happy Meal that I didn’t have to share with anyone. They helped raise me in the best way they knew how, even if I didn’t feel the love I wanted to feel, growing up. I’m not making excuses for their toxicity, I’m just trying to make an understanding of it and balance out the good and the bad. I don’t believe my relatives have bad intentions, but were rather a product of their own upbringing and experiences. I do believe, they care for me in their own and different ways. How do I know this? I haven’t seen them in years, like I said, but at my grandfather’s wake when we all spoke our piece to make our peace with each other and with grandpa, the way they talked about each other, and about me, revealed themselves, even if it was under sad circumstances. It’s when people are honest sometimes, when looking at life and death in the face and seeing how precious life is and how little time we truly have with another. My dad revealed to me at the wake that I truly was my grandpa’s favorite, despite not being a boy. And my aunt when I first walked into the funeral home, hugged me tightly and sobbed into my arms, severely disappointed at herself for not making it on time racing back to the state and hospital, but also how happy she was that we were with him in his final moments because of how much he loved his grandkids above everything else. We are his legacy and she was so very proud of all of us. It’s very rare to hear these words from Asian culture. It’s very eye-opening to us kids after spending so long bitter at the adults in our lives.

It made me feel bad for the years I spent angry and resentful at my relatives and stayed away. My aunts insisted I come to their house this past weekend on the 7th day after my grandpa’s passing, to practice đám giỗ. We do this on the 7th, 49th and 100th day of our loved one’s passing in the first year, and then annually thereafter. I’ve been doing this since I was little (up until college when I started going less and less and then not at all), but this time, it took a different meaning. As a child, the đám giỗ were always for ancestors I never knew/met. Now it was for someone I knew and played a role in my life. It was personal. So I went. And now, it felt much less toxic than before when I was younger. I don’t know if it’s because I grew up, or my relatives grew up and have become warmer and more understanding as people and less toxic. But they want me to start visiting more again. They live far though so I don’t know if I will continue these trips as often as they would like me to, but I would like to be able to try and make my grandfather’s đám giỗ a priority in my life to pay my respects and honor him since I didn’t visit as much as I should in his final years.

What is đám giỗ, though? Plainly put, it is the death anniversary of a passed loved one. In Vietnamese culture, the family gets together to share a meal. Many dishes are cooked and eaten family style, a lot of the times, the dishes can be the ancestor’s favorite dishes. One relative will host and the family members are expected to make their best efforts to make the trip. There is usually a family altar where a photo of the deceased are placed, sometimes along with other ancestors. The eldest family member will light 3 incense first and pray, placing the incense into a bowl of rice, inviting the ancestor into the home. The rest of the family will follow and light their own incense and pray as well. After all the incense has burned, then the family can share a meal since the ancestor has “finished eating” all the food placed on the altar. These events are not meant to be sorrowful, but a time of celebration and joy. You are celebrating their past life and cherished past memories you have of them. It is meant to be a time of togetherness and bonding. If you have ever watched Disney’s Coco, it is similar to Día de los Muertos.

As a kid, I honestly didn’t think much of these celebrations. I thought they were annoying sometimes because it meant my parents would take us on a trip to my relatives house which took forever to get to and back and it would cut into my homework and school time and I wouldn’t get home til late and be tired for school the next day. As an adult now and with my grandpa’s passing, my first direct relative connection to a đám giỗ, I see how important they are. You should make time for it, because how much time do any of us really have left. We should spend it with family. And of course, good food.

I want to be better. I’m going to work on being better about making time for my dad’s extended family, as well as continue making memories with my siblings and my parents. I’ve been learning to embrace more of my culture in recent years and wear it proudly. Maybe my return to dark hair was symbolic of returning to my roots, in more ways than one. I am Vietnamese and I am American. I don’t fit the stereotypical obedient daughter mold because I’ve always wanted to do things my way. I have never wanted to make myself smaller to fit what I’m ‘expected’ to be. I am loud and colorful. And I have never been one to apologize for it. But I am still proud of both my culture and who I am as an individual. I have a different sense of style but I want to bring my personality into the fold and marry it with my culture. This past summer when my mom had new ao dai made for me, I wanted to give my mom nice wholesome photos of me but also something I would love for my own portfolio. I’ve been wanting to do more shoots representing both me and my culture. Maybe this is how I find my place and fit in, after years of feeling stuck between two worlds. Maybe this is how I find peace.

Grief

January 3, 2023

I am not a stranger to grief. But then why does this feel so heavy still?

Content warning: Death of a family member

The day before NYE I was sitting at work, wondering if I could get out of work for the weekend because the weather was supposed to be warm and it would be perfect for race training. Of course this was me just playing hypotheticals because I rarely call out of work unless it’s a true emergency. I also never call out sick from work but this December was just full of surprises as I called out sick for the first time in my life. Well, be careful what you wish for because it seems like God has a funny sense of humor this month because as his parting gift for me for 2022, as I was getting ready for an uneventful NYE at work, I got a text from my dad that my grandpa was doing really bad and he didn’t have much time left. He sent me a video of my grandpa all hooked up to a ventilator and IVs, asking all the kids if we could make it to the hospital asap.

Within 15 minutes I went through several different waves of emotions and decision making. At first I thought to myself, I have work til Tuesday, I’ll see him Tuesday when I’m off. My dad had told me earlier last week on Xmas eve my grandpa had been admitted to the hospital because he stopped eating. I felt jaded at first and I’m not really sure why. But then as it started to sink in and re-watching the video of my grandpa made me feel emotional. I started crying and anxiety set in. I felt guilt for my initial reaction. The severity and urgency of the situation sunk in. I felt a wave of extreme sadness wash over me for what was happening. I switched my mindset out of my workaholic mode. I texted work that I wasn’t going to be able to come in and started making plans with my siblings to make it out there asap. I made my way over to the hospital with my siblings and mom in tow that evening through the wretched rain that felt like it was purposely happening to go along with the day’s somber mood. This was NOT how I had planned my NYE to go. I got out of work, but now my entire day was thrown into chaos and the weather was gloomy and sullen to match. God must have been laughing at me.

The hospital was really nice and sent us up straight away without wasting any time and bothering us to check in. It hit me even harder when I finally saw him in person and how much of a shell of a person he was left, all hooked up to everything. I could see all the necrosis and sores and infections all over his body. His hands were so swollen. Growing up, my parents didn’t show much emotion and vulnerability so it made me even more sad when I saw my dad sitting next to his bed, clutching his oxygen monitor, feeling helpless and looking distressed. Watching the machine help him breathe and watching his chest constantly pump so forcefully up and down didn’t help my own emotions either. I’m glad I took off of work and made it in time to be with him in his last moments, even if he was no longer conscious nor remember who I even was anymore.

He passed that evening around 10:50pm. I’m hoping in his final moments, he was no longer in pain.

His wake is tomorrow and honestly I’m not ready for it. I’ve been processing everything and trying to keep it together best I can but every so often a wave will come over me. I remember this from when my old boss Rocco passed and I remember it taking me a while before I was okay. I remember driving to work months almost a year later and out of nowhere a wave of sadness rushed over me and I was crying walking into work. I couldn’t even explain it. I remember seeing a cartoon about grief and how it never gets smaller or easier but rather, we just make room for it. I’m not looking forward to the time it’s going to take for me to work through this, but I know it’s inevitable. My mom had lost her mom at the beginning of covid, and I remember she was going through a rough time especially since she wasn’t able to travel back to be with her family and be there for the burial due to pandemic restrictions. Now it’s my dad turn with grief. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for both of them. And as their child, I don’t know how to help them either, growing up in a household where my parents never showed much emotion other than anger, in order to assert their authority in their old traditional ways. All I can do is try and be there for them, and hopefully try to find opportunities to spend even more time with them this year and in the years to come to strengthen our bonds and time together. I am glad though that my adulthood has definitely been marked with more warmth in recent years than my childhood. My dad has definitely opened up more since I got married, and not just with me, but with all my siblings. He goes out to eat with us, offers to pay for dinners, and even goes on vacations when he’s able to. He still doesn’t talk much but when he does, it’s a delight. I guess this is how I move forward to honor my grandpa. By building my relationships with my parents in the present day. To change old systems and build new traditions and warm bonds.

This morning my aunt asked all the grandkids to write something for my grandpa to put in his casket to send with him for him to read in the afterlife. I’ve been trying to find the words all night.

Dear Grandpa,
I know it’s been years since we talked or seen each other and I’m sorry I didn’t take the time to visit more, using the poor excuse that you no longer remembered me and that I was always busy with work and life and distance.
There’s nothing I can say to make up for lost time and while all I can do is ask for forgiveness, I just want you to know that I miss you and all our times together growing up.
I know being the firstborn, I was not what you wanted (a girl instead of a boy since you still gave me a boy’s name anyway) but I do know that you still loved me regardless and didn’t recognize til now in retrospect that I was actually your favorite anyway. I didn’t appreciate it at the time but now looking back, I realize the bigger picture. I used to want to be Co Be’s favorite and was jealous that my brother was instead and that I was always ‘stuck’ with you. Now I realize I wasn’t stuck. YOU chose me. You chose to spend time with me over the firstborn son, my baby brother, when he finally arrived. It was me you took to Chinatown, to market, to the corner bodegas, to the Bronx playgrounds, to the dress shops, to the quarter ride machines, to the ice cream trucks when they rolled up outside the apartment. It was me whom you would wake up early for to record all the Sailor Moon episodes because my dad wouldn’t buy cable at my house but you had. It was me who you always cooked fresh meals for and made sure I ate even when I didn’t want to. It was me who you always played calming music for, when I had to nap. And while I grew up and visited less and less, I will carry these memories of you with me for the rest of my life, this time, realizing it was all love.
I hope you are at peace and no longer in pain. I hope you are reunited with grandma after so many years without her. I can’t imagine how lonely it must have been and how isolated you must have felt in a foreign country all this time, as you watched your family grow up and go on to live their own lives. I realize now how strong you are for continuing on and keeping the family together. I hope that you felt some comfort in all your grandkids as we spent time with you growing up.
Thank you for everything you did for me, and everything you taught me growing up. Your love will live on in me in a renewed sense as I promise to take more time for my parents and honor them. I haven’t been able to share with you everything I accomplished since I got married since your mind and memory was no longer what it once was, but I’d like to think that you are proud of me, despite me not being a boy. I hope you are. And I hope you know how much I love you and am going to miss you.
Love always,
Kieu Chinh