Different

Damn, it’s been a minute. I owe this blog a lot of backlog. I’ll try to catch up sometime in November when things calm down on my calendar.

The funny thing is, I’m actually doing really well in my written journals. I’ve written a lot but not really much I care to post on here because I think the entries can be a little redundant and aren’t all that interesting to post. They’ve definitely helped me heal over the past year though. I realized this over the summer when my sister took a photo of me in the flower fields and I was smiling brightly for the first time in a while. And not one of my fake modeling for the camera smiles. Like life is actually okay smile. 

And then last week I had an odd dream that I was initially ashamed about at first about how I felt about it, but then as I thought about it more, I realized it showed more growth than weakness. I dreamt I was in the city and ran into someone with my girlfriend. They greeted us as if no time had passed and nothing had ever happened between us. Then they invited us to lunch. I was conflicted at the proposition and didn’t answer right away, at which point I woke up upset. I was annoyed at myself. I was annoyed at myself initially because I could feel a part of myself wanting to say yes and fall back into old habits. Because the truth is, of course I miss them. But a part of me also says no. Do not reopen these wounds. Especially if we are not acknowledging what still needs to be addressed and repaired. Do not allow yourself this vulnerability and be set up for another disappointment. It’s not worth going through that heartbreak again. I felt annoyed at myself for even considering forgiveness. Especially without accountability and repentance. But then I realized that it’s okay; it’s okay to feel this way and yearn for a piece of normalcy back. To want things to go back to how they were before. It doesn’t mean I’m weak. It just means I’m human and I still care even if I don’t want to. And the part of me that hesitates? That shows growth. It shows I’m not who I was anymore. We are no longer choosing to accept less than what we deserve. It shows self respect and knowing my self value and no longer allowing people in my life to take me for granted. It shows self love. I’m choosing myself this time instead of putting others before myself. It shows I’m a different person than I was last year. My love for people and in relationships has not changed. That part is evidenced by my missing this person. But my tolerance for accepting less than what I deserve has changed. This is evidenced by my hesitation to allow people who hurt me, freely back into my life. We are not doing this any longer. In the past few years, I have always considered the accommodation of others and their conveniences when it comes to everything I have to plan. But my husband gets to be right for once. He always criticized me because every year when planning my own birthday, I always considered the convenience of others and picked places that were more convenient for everyone else but me to get to. I put my own conveniencea last. And it didn't exactly go appreciated. For my birthday this year, I’m choosing myself, my own conveniences and my own happiness. 

They can continue choosing to remain unchanged and toxic, refusing to choose growth in the times maturity is most needed, masking and masquerading their selfishness as their own “self-care” because they “spread themselves too thin,” reframing needing their alone time and isolation as hyper independence that is symbolic for survival in an “all you need and can depend on at the end of the day is yourself” toxicity. But the truth is that messaging is a lie. It’s a coping mechanism for people who refuse to participate in the village. Survival has always been achieved through community. American individualism and exceptionalism can only get you so far. As humans, we need each other. That’s why one of the worst torture methods used in prison is not physical violence necessarily, but rather isolation. Because that’s what can break someone’s mental state no matter how “introverted” or “independent” they claim to be. 

It’s not a crime to rely on others to ask for help. I did. And it truly helped me though healing this season. This year looks a little bit different. It feels a little sadder because of course, I wish this person was still here. But even if they did try to come back at this point, honestly it would not be the same. 

It would be different. With an admittedly unsettling feeling of walking on eggshells to protect myself from future heartbreak. And honestly I’m not looking to do that to myself. I deserve better. And I’m choosing to give it to myself this  year. Happy early birthday to me. Maturity doesn’t always look or feel glamorous. It looks complex and messy sometimes. But it feels honest. 

Burden Me

“When someone really loves you, you can never be a burden.”

I read an IG interview of this girl who tried to throw herself a birthday party but worried about inconveniencing her friends with a theme even though she really wanted it. She worried people would be annoyed about having to dress in theme and how people might not like the throwback songs. So she gave up and cancelled the party entirely.

“It just wasn't worth the risk of being a burden.”

But through it all, her friends ended up throwing her a surprise party. Everyone showed up. People remembered the things she loved and incorporated it into the decorating. They played her favorite songs.

“This whole time I had worried so much about inconveniencing them, and now it hit me. They wanted me to inconvenience them. They wanted to go the extra mile for me. Because the truth is when someone loves you, you can never be a burden.”

I realized this is so true because in the last year, I learned who I was inconveniencing in my relationships. I communicated how much thought and overthinking went into when I make plans to try and make it as convenient for everyone as possible. How my life is a lot of the times, me trying to accomodate everyone and their individual comforts and needs. At meal gatherings, I would wait and monitor that everyone else had made a plate and had enough to eat before myself. If we were eating family style at a restaurant, I always count the pieces and make sure everyone got a piece before I took my own, when eating family style. I do not call for that consideration to be returned. Except for one occasion out of the entire year. And yet, somehow I was still trying to accommodate people. I don’t feel I ask for a lot back. I just ask for presence. I ask for time. Just be there. But also, maybe that’s the problem. Time is more valuable than most things. And for some, it’s asking for a lot, I guess.

In my anger I did the same thing as this person from the interview. I gave up and cancelled altogether. It didn’t make me happier. It made me quite the opposite. It made me feel abandoned. Sad. Alone. I was really down about it for a while and it really affected me deeply.

But then a a few months later, a friend suggested I try again anyway. A re-do of what was cancelled. I worried again. What if no one shows up? I didn’t want to go through more disappointment. Because it felt like confirmation of what I feared to be true. That I wasn’t enough. Maybe all my friends did feel burdened by me. I wasn’t enough for them to want to do it for me. But a friend suggested I pick a date and see whatever happens, happens. Because they themselves still wanted to come out for me.

It’s funny because I had an opposite mentality for my wedding date, being on a Friday instead of the traditional Saturday, and for being so far out East on Long Island. That time, I had more confidence. I knew that if people really wanted to attend my wedding, they’d make it work. They’ll make the plans, use the PTO, figure out how to get there. Because they wanted to. And the people who didn’t? The people who would complain? The people who would feel inconvenienced? You wouldn’t really want them there anyway.

And it’s so true. If I wanted to be there, I’d be there. I’d make it work.

So I honestly need to start treating that incident like that.

If they wanted to, they would.

And they did.

My friends made it out for me. It reminded me of the previous years before that. They made the effort when I held birthdays and holiday events with a cute dress code, remembering to dress up in theme. They didn’t think it was ‘little’ and overlook the small details and skim over that part of my text.

These events were pivotal for me. It showed me a lot of eye opening things. Most of all, who’s still holding space for me and who still wants to make space for me. Who still wants me in their lives. Who still pays attention.

I can’t say I’m not disappointed but maybe it was time. Was it inevitable? Who’s to say but I have to tell myself it was a necessary truth I needed to come to terms with.

It hurts to choose someone whom doesn’t seem to choose you back. All we want is to feel chosen by our own people. I chose this person as my best friend, but it never truly felt like I was theirs. They would never speak the words out loud. They would never commit to the words. Ironic because they claimed to be the type of person that didn’t believe something about someone until the person spoke the words out loud and confirmed it themselves. Is it irony? Or were they telling me something and I was ignoring the red flags the entire time?

I mean, in the end, I guess I was never their best friend anyway, having never reciprocated my same feelings of ‘best friendship.’

When someone asked them who was the maid of honor, the answer was there isn’t one. In the same manner that a parent answers someone when they ask if they have a favorite child and the parent says they love all their children equally, but the tone gives it away that it’s not true. Meanwhile, there was a best man.

And I foolishly stepped forward to write and give the speech, being the only one who did step forward to do so.

I feel hurt because I did everything out of love for someone who saw my own needs and wants as burdens and inconveniences. I tried my best to meet them where they were at when I could. I watched their recommended shows and movies and took interest in the fandoms and things they loved so I could share in them too. I would try to learn a little about the niche things they liked. While I continued feeling unwanted. Rarely did they take any of my shows/movies recommendations. I would ask time and time again if they watched xyz.

Sometimes my initiation for conversation would go unanswered.

Maybe it’s my own fault. Trying so hard to continue fitting myself into someone’s life who clearly did not show signs of wanting to make room for me any longer. But the important thing I tell myself above all else is that the actions or lack thereof of this person toward me, does not define my value.

It has absolutely no place or reflection upon me. Only them and their own character of how they treat others. Which was eye opening when I stepped back and looked at the bigger picture realizing this was happening for so long and I was ignoring every time it happened to me, while friends and family watched on. They would later word vomit to me how much damage they saw done and had tried to warn me in little ways. But you never really see it when you love someone because rose colored glasses. You make excuses for them. “It’s just how they are.” But now the glasses are off.

My place in this now is deciding if I will continue to allow these types of characters in my life to have hold over me.

I shouldn’t. Why should I?

It’s disappointing, yes. But I have to learn to accept that despite the love you try to pour into the people you cherish, not everyone will know how to hold you. And it’s okay.

I know it’s taking me a while to heal and sometimes reading these blogs feel like I’m beating a dead fish but that’s what my journaling this year was for. I need to finish grieving the loss and start recognizing it as a new way forward. It’s just information.

Cause the truth is, I should be above it. It’s not my place to convince them if they should deem my place in their life valuable or not.

I’m not watching their lives. But they sure are watching mine. And honestly, that should be all the answers I need.

It’s loud.

Why are you still checking up on me? I’m not sorry for being a burden in your life. You have to be a villager if you want to be part of the village. I hope you look for this burden in everything and everyone you encounter for the rest of your life. And may you never find it. I hope your life is easy and peaceful and routine and mundane. Simple. Minimalistic as you like to put it. Since that’s the trend you’re harping on these days.

Because I know now, the people I want in my own life, should also be people who I have no doubt in my mind that they want me in their own lives. They are wanting to be burdened. They want the birthday plans. The holiday dinners. The themed parties. The excuse to come all the way out for events, even if it’s all the way out to my house in bumblefuck. The dress code events. The seasonal events. The let’s hang out just because/no reason needed meet-ups.

I love getting that “burdened” text of “hey I’m in town, you wanna xyz?” and my response be like WHATWHENWHERE - I’m down.

I love talking about manifesting vacations and having a friend eavesdrop and go “I’M IN” and already looking at flights to join me.

Yes I wanna try that new restaurant.
Yes I wanna dress up and take dumb outfit pics.
Yes I wanna regret signing up for a marathon at 3am lol.

Because what is life without your friends burdening you with all these experiences to color your life in.

Call me. Text me. COUNT ME IN.

Burden me.

RBC Brooklyn Half 2026

I did it!

After the past few months of training, I ran the RBC Brooklyn Half for the second time (my first time back in 2022) and this time it felt much better than the first time around back in 2022. I don’t know what it was but I remember not feeling it that day. This time around, I was in a better headspace and mindset. I locked in, focused, and ran most of it straight through, with the exception of 2 water stops. I didn’t stop to take pictures of anything this time around, opting instead to snap a quick pic as I continuously ran through each mile marker.

I felt strong, I felt properly hydrated and I was able to pick it up when I felt like I needed to push through. I was pretty consistent with my pace for the most part and I even beat my goal of 2:45 and was able to complete the run in 2:41:40 as my official time.

I looked at the paces from my watch and I’m pretty proud of how consistent I was able to pace myself. I started out strong which I’m really happy with because I remember from the first time I did this race, the first 6 miles through the park were what killed me because of the hills and it ended up breaking me for the remainder of the run as I felt like I was pushing through with some difficulty. This time I felt good all throughout the run. I was able to start out strong and keep the momentum going for the first 6 miles this time as I pushed through the inclines.

I’m really proud of this performance after taking the past year off from races. The past few months training felt good and intentional as I tried to fit my runs in with my life events. I had 2 vacations and I did my best to not let it hinder my training, purposely making time for runs during one trip, and making sure I got my training in before my other trip and getting straight back into it once I got back home. I made sure I took the time to properly stretch before each run, as well as properly fueling. I wore my suncreen and everything.

I went back and re-read the blog I wrote back in 2022 when I first ran this and it’s crazy to see how far I’ve come. I’m glad I didn’t quit after that race because it made me feel so discouraged because it was so difficult. I wrote that I would never do it again but somehow here I am, having run it a second time now! And I also went on to complete my qualifiers for the NYC Marathon and then the NYC Marathon itself. I’m really proud actually of that part of myself. I’m realistic about my abilities and self aware that I am not exactly a fast runner, but what I lack in speed, I make up for in endurance, perseverance and the dedication to see it through once I set my goals down. I hold myself accountable once I promise to do something and my stubbornness be damned but honestly it’s a good trait to have in the end. Which leads me to the next part…

Originally I was set on completing the Brooklyn Half only because I wanted to qualify for the United Half for next year. WELP. A few weeks before the race, I was in the waiting room queue ready to register for the fall races I need to finish qualifying and as (bad) luck would have it, the races I need sold out. Looks like the United Half and NYRR races have become insanely popular you can’t even register for them on opening day. It’s become just as bad as runDisney. I don’t remember it being this difficult back in 2022 when I started runnign NYRR for the NYC Marathon qualifiers. Now it’s insane. So unforunately now I only have 2 out of the 4 qualifiers I need, and I’m locked out of the other 2 races I need to qualify for the United Half. My only chance now is trying the lottery in the fall when it opens up. Sadly the last 2 times I tried, I didn’t get it. But interestingly, both times I got into the Brooklyn Half by wining their lottery. Odd. So fingers crossed, maybe this year will be my year when the lottery opens up. But fret not! Remember my stubbornness? Even if I don’t get in, this goal is far from over. I’m still going to do it. I’ll be back next year to try again for next year’s qualifiers and the next year’s and the next year’s til I finally make it in and get to run the United Half.

One thing about me, once I put my mind to something, even if it takes a while, I’ll get it done. If anything, it’ll give me more time to work on my speed to one day get to 2:30 half time. And then one day maybe, a 2 hour marathon. It’s definitely a stretch goal but I have the rest of my life to work on it. I’m skeptical that I’ll ever reach that one but here’s to trying! In the meantime, since I don’t have a race on the horizon to train for, I’m going to cool it on the long miles to not overexert myself and risk injury. I’ll still run but it won’t be my focus for the summer. I’m going to work on resistance training and lifting in the gym for the next few months to enjoy a hot girl summer. I’m excited for summer of beach picnics and to hopefully show off my hard work. I feel a little bloated from all the fueling, carbing and hydrating for race this past season so I’m excited to tighten everything back up and tone for summer. Let’s get it!