A Change In The Wind

Scorpio: Ace of Pentacle

Consider this a cosmic green flag. You’re moving in the right direction. Plant seeds around new opportunities as they will blossom into prosperity.

Part of me is scared. But part of me is hopeful. Change is wildly scary. Change is new. Change is…uncomfortable because it’s so uncertain. The unknown is always like that. But that’s life.

10 years ago I was afraid of taking the leap to leaving behind retail pharmacy and become a full time hospital pharmacist. I remember being so nervous about it, crying when I was contemplating my decision to take the full time offer. Retail was all I ever knew.

“What if I’m not good at this?”

“What if this doesn’t work out?”

“What if I hate it?”

But also…what if I like it? What if you’re great at it? What if it changes your life for the better? You’ll never know if you don’t go. You’ll never know if you don’t try. So…why not try it? What’s the worst that could happen? So what if you’re not good at it at first? You’ll get better. You’ll learn. You will. Because you always do. And if you decide you don't like it? Do something else. Almost nothing in life is permanent. Least of all, a job.

I’ve officially been in the hospital setting for longer than I’ve ever been in retail. And I know I’m damn good at my current role. So why am I scared? It’s not even that big of a change, so why am I so riddled with worry? Maybe it’s time for a change. Maybe I’ll like it. But there’s only one way to find out. Why am I scared? I can do it. I always have survived. I know how to navigate. Every time I’ve found myself in a drowning situation, I’ve always learned to swim eventually, even if it takes me a minute to figure it out.

Maybe this is the opportunity I’ve been needing to make a change. Is this what I’ve been wishing for and I just can’t see it because the journey isn’t always clear?

I have support. I have people willing to help. And I have people cheering me on. Wanting me to succeed.

But failure. I’m so afraid of failure like it’s some sort of death sentence. But it’s not. Why am I being so dramatic? When you start over, you’re never starting from scratch. You’re always starting from experience. Because that’s how you learn and get better. Trial and error.

I’m only human. I need to start treating myself as such and be more forgiving of my own abilities. I’m still learning. No one is expecting me to “know it all.” No one does know it all. No one can. So why am I holding myself to impossibly high standards I wouldn’t expect of someone else?

I’m going to do amazing. I’m going to be great. I’m going to manifest this. Because honestly I should have more confidence in myself. I have years of experience. I am one of the most senior. I am considered a point person. An anchor. I am (to my annoyance, lol) who people turn to and rely on. So what am I scared of?

You’re going to be great. You asked for this. You asked for change. So trust it. You’ve got this.

Change is also usually scary because oftentimes it’s not on our terms. And honestly, I’ve never been someone who likes change. Despite going through quite a lot. But when we don’t choose it ourselves, when it’s pushed upon us against our will, it feels scary because it’s not within our control, it’s not our own timing and pace of what we want things to happen. It’s not part of the plan.

But this time, I’m trying to change that narrative. I’m still scared of change, absolutely. But I’m also currently unhappy where I’m at. SOMETHING needs to change. And I don’t want to continue waiting to see what the life roulette hands me. So I’m going to do it on my timeline. The parts that are within my power to control and decide. It could be worse. I understand things can always be worse. Of course I thought of that and did some serious overthinking.

But also, baby what if you fly? What if things change for the better? What if you like it? What if my fear has been holding me back from a happier me?

I’m ready to find out. Part of me feels like I need a reset. I remember feeling a similar way in 2016 when I was deciding whether or not to jump. So much uncertainty. So much change. BUT! Also so much different. Also so much adjustment. Also so much better!

I haven’t looked back since then.

So maybe it’s time after all for a reset. A new adjustment. A new me. And besides, if I don’t like it, I can continue on and choose a new different chapter from there as well. I need to remember we’re always changing. We are allowed to. And in all my different stages, phases, journeys I’ve set out to discover for myself, I’ve had growing pains adjusting but I’ve always survived and and made the best of what I’ve been given. I’ve always persevered.

So that’s what I’m planning to do again.

I’m going to use this OPPORTUNITY to start a new chapter. Make the most of it. Learn from it. Starting with building a whole new routine that works for this next chapter. I hope this reset brings a breath of fresh air. I hope this allows for a fresh start. A blank page. BUT! From experience.

I’m ready for this.

Kintsugi

Kintsugi is a Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold. It treats breakage and repair as part of an object’s history, rather than something to hide.

“The story of kintsugi—this style of pottery—may be the most perfect embodiment of all our trauma-shattered lives... Instead of throwing away the broken beloved pottery, we’ll fix it in a way that doesn’t pretend it hasn’t been broken but honors the breaking—and more so, the surviving—by highlighting those repaired seams with gold lacquer. Now the object is functional once again and dignified, not discarded. It’s stronger and even more valuable because of its reinforced, golden scars.” - Jay Wolf

I realized I’ve been subconsciously mourning the end of an era. The power of three broken.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t upset about it because I am. This was a big part of my life. The fragmentation has reverberated throughout my grieving process because it hurts to know things will never be the same. I thought I was mourning the end of one tie, but in looking at the bigger picture, maybe it hurt so hard because subconsciously I knew that it was going to break the bigger bond as well.

I’m currently still in the “hurt” period but I do hope that one day I can look back on it with more positive nostalgia for the memories I shared with them. But for now, it still hurts because it was such a big part of my life for nearly 20 years. That’s a BIG part of my life that’s no longer there. How do you move on? How do you adapt? How do you deal with change to what you cherished and loved so much once upon a time? You have to. Because you have no choice. I have no choice.

It’s tough. It’s tough going from talking everyday to… just not. I miss sharing fun updates, exciting news, even the sad, heavy stuff. It was routine, it was love. Every time I have a piece of news I want to share, I have to remind myself to hold back.

I know I didn’t lose both ties but in a way, it feels like I did because the dynamic is not the same. Because the dynamic has changed. The energy is no longer there.

I’ve had to hold back because one tie is severed completely. And the other connection, I’ve had to learn to give people space and patience. Which is hard for me because I’m so used to being close and wanting to be close to people. It’s hard because I miss them so much. I yearn for the girl dates and feeling healed after each get together. And with that lacking in my life, I feel like I haven’t been able to feel whole in a while. This new normal I’ve been trying to adjust to is a struggle for someone who thrives on social interaction with their closest.

It sucks so much feeling like I’ve lost that connection. My people. My safety net. My tribe. My heart. I’m not a person who likes to be by myself. I like having community and I like spending time with them. I like making memories and sharing experiences with them.

And it’s hard starting over when you’re older.

It’s hard having to go out there to actively search and find your people. When you’re younger, it’s easier to be in social settings with similar people of similar interests because of school, extracurriculars, clubs, communal spaces, etc. But as an adult, it requires more effort because those opportunities diminish with added responsibilities of adulthood taking up your time and thus less availability in your schedule. It feels like you’re inconveniencing people when you’re trying to build and invest time in relationships, because as we get older, we base our activity selection and allocation of our time on mutual schedules and conveniences. While as a kid, you didn’t really care if you were inconveniencing other parties (parents) to hang out with your friends. You were more willing to make the time in your schedule.

I wish as adults, we made more effort.

Or maybe I just need to find my tribe again.

It’s hard and I’m scared to put myself back out there but I’m doing my best at starting over and making time and space for new connections.

I don’t want to open myself up to be taken for granted again and feel like I wasted my time and heart. My heart can’t take it. But I want to find the people who want to make the time. The people who are excited when I text them plans to hang out. To dress up. To try a new restaurant. To book that trip. To experience new things. Even little things. To yolo some dumb shit. To make some bad/fun decisions at 3am. To just want to fill my cup because my energy fills theirs.

It’s hard as an adult because you’ve developed this sense of skepticism in people. In your younger, naive years, you had more hope and faith in people. But as you grow older and people let you down, that part of you that believes in people gets fragmented. But I still want to believe in people. I want to believe there are people out there looking for people like me to also fill their cup. I don’t want to lose hope in people. I want to believe that type of friendship and heart still exists. The ones that would do for me exactly as I would do for them.

I need this to unbreak my heart.

New Laptop, Who Dis?

It’s been 12 years since my last laptop. I used to be on it everyday. But ever since our smartphones started doing more, I’ve grown to be less of a computer person. Nowadays, I’m usually only on it when I’m downloading photos from shoots to save to my drives. I haven’t used my old laptop in quite some time so it’s rather old and antiquated in speed and power now. My husband gave me his desktop when he upgraded his own computer a few years ago and that’s what I’ve ben using from time to time. But recently in the last 2 months he’s been revamping our living room space and our desk situation and I basically got evicted from even having a desk anymore since I’m rarely on it. I’ve been relegated to the couch and coffee table which is about desk height for me so I was using his laptop for the past month while he searched for a new laptop for me.

Apple came out with the new Macbook Neo in a blush pink but it wasn’t really that impressive when we looked at it in person. I was considering the HP Omnibook 5 Flip since that also came in a powder pink and was set at a similar price point as the Macbook Neo but with the convenience of being PC instead of my having to adapt to Apple’s interface. In the end, he found an HP Victus that suited everything I need for it to do, but also suited his needs for when he wants me to participate in video games with him. He was able to custom build it which is great but of course, ended up costing more in the long run. Granted I don’t ask for much in terms of gifts from my husband for birthdays, Christmas and other holidays throughout the year, so he was amenable to splurge on this for me (even though the reason was more so for him selfishly than me lol). Despite building it himself, now he’s a little jealous because it ended up being nicer than his own laptop.

He ordered it about 3 weeks ago and it took a while to build and ship from overseas, but we just got it after getting back from our quick weekend trip. He spent all day setting her up for me and she’s so pretty! She’s a cute shade of blush pink, a smidge brighter than the Neo and more distinctly pink. I love that the keyboard is also all pink. Most laptops even if they’re a splash of color, for some reason, have black keyboards. I hate this because I prefer a more integrated look embracing the full color.

I also learned a few weeks ago that I prefer clicky clacky loud ass keyboards where you can feel and hear the keys typing. I visited the Razer store to feel the difference. I ended up picking the Black Widow V3 keyboard which worked out nicely since she came in pink. I found her on Poshmark too and was able to get a gently used one for $35 since it’s owner wanted to upgrade to a creamier keyboard. She should be coming next week along with a bunny mouse I hope works out. I’m basically making a couch desktop out of my laptop plugging all the external accessories since I prefer a mouse instead of the mousepad and a clicky clacky high profile keyboard instead of soft low profile laptop keys. Maybe that’s part of why I like blogging. It’s like old school typing on a typewriter. I love typewriters actually. I remember using one at a neighbors house when I was younger and I love the feel of them. I just don’t like the permanence of them because let’s be real, your girl makes a lot of typos before finalizing the final draft.

I’m excited to use my new laptop and report back soon on how it feels for my primary purpose of blogging. I did say earlier this year as one of my goals was to get back into blogging more by getting a new laptop. Hopefully this helps motivate me and I can check this off my list of 2026 goals.