Kintsugi

Kintsugi is a Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold. It treats breakage and repair as part of an object’s history, rather than something to hide.

“The story of kintsugi—this style of pottery—may be the most perfect embodiment of all our trauma-shattered lives... Instead of throwing away the broken beloved pottery, we’ll fix it in a way that doesn’t pretend it hasn’t been broken but honors the breaking—and more so, the surviving—by highlighting those repaired seams with gold lacquer. Now the object is functional once again and dignified, not discarded. It’s stronger and even more valuable because of its reinforced, golden scars.” - Jay Wolf

I realized I’ve been subconsciously mourning the end of an era. The power of three broken.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t upset about it because I am. This was a big part of my life. The fragmentation has reverberated throughout my grieving process because it hurts to know things will never be the same. I thought I was mourning the end of one tie, but in looking at the bigger picture, maybe it hurt so hard because subconsciously I knew that it was going to break the bigger bond as well.

I’m currently still in the “hurt” period but I do hope that one day I can look back on it with more positive nostalgia for the memories I shared with them. But for now, it still hurts because it was such a big part of my life for nearly 20 years. That’s a BIG part of my life that’s no longer there. How do you move on? How do you adapt? How do you deal with change to what you cherished and loved so much once upon a time? You have to. Because you have no choice. I have no choice.

It’s tough. It’s tough going from talking everyday to… just not. I miss sharing fun updates, exciting news, even the sad, heavy stuff. It was routine, it was love. Every time I have a piece of news I want to share, I have to remind myself to hold back.

I know I didn’t lose both ties but in a way, it feels like I did because the dynamic is not the same. Because the dynamic has changed. The energy is no longer there.

I’ve had to hold back because one tie is severed completely. And the other connection, I’ve had to learn to give people space and patience. Which is hard for me because I’m so used to being close and wanting to be close to people. It’s hard because I miss them so much. I yearn for the girl dates and feeling healed after each get together. And with that lacking in my life, I feel like I haven’t been able to feel whole in a while. This new normal I’ve been trying to adjust to is a struggle for someone who thrives on social interaction with their closest.

It sucks so much feeling like I’ve lost that connection. My people. My safety net. My tribe. My heart. I’m not a person who likes to be by myself. I like having community and I like spending time with them. I like making memories and sharing experiences with them.

And it’s hard starting over when you’re older.

It’s hard having to go out there to actively search and find your people. When you’re younger, it’s easier to be in social settings with similar people of similar interests because of school, extracurriculars, clubs, communal spaces, etc. But as an adult, it requires more effort because those opportunities diminish with added responsibilities of adulthood taking up your time and thus less availability in your schedule. It feels like you’re inconveniencing people when you’re trying to build and invest time in relationships, because as we get older, we base our activity selection and allocation of our time on mutual schedules and conveniences. While as a kid, you didn’t really care if you were inconveniencing other parties (parents) to hang out with your friends. You were more willing to make the time in your schedule.

I wish as adults, we made more effort.

Or maybe I just need to find my tribe again.

It’s hard and I’m scared to put myself back out there but I’m doing my best at starting over and making time and space for new connections.

I don’t want to open myself up to be taken for granted again and feel like I wasted my time and heart. My heart can’t take it. But I want to find the people who want to make the time. The people who are excited when I text them plans to hang out. To dress up. To try a new restaurant. To book that trip. To experience new things. Even little things. To yolo some dumb shit. To make some bad/fun decisions at 3am. To just want to fill my cup because my energy fills theirs.

It’s hard as an adult because you’ve developed this sense of skepticism in people. In your younger, naive years, you had more hope and faith in people. But as you grow older and people let you down, that part of you that believes in people gets fragmented. But I still want to believe in people. I want to believe there are people out there looking for people like me to also fill their cup. I don’t want to lose hope in people. I want to believe that type of friendship and heart still exists. The ones that would do for me exactly as I would do for them.

I need this to unbreak my heart.

New Laptop, Who Dis?

It’s been 12 years since my last laptop. I used to be on it everyday. But ever since our smartphones started doing more, I’ve grown to be less of a computer person. Nowadays, I’m usually only on it when I’m downloading photos from shoots to save to my drives. I haven’t used my old laptop in quite some time so it’s rather old and antiquated in speed and power now. My husband gave me his desktop when he upgraded his own computer a few years ago and that’s what I’ve ben using from time to time. But recently in the last 2 months he’s been revamping our living room space and our desk situation and I basically got evicted from even having a desk anymore since I’m rarely on it. I’ve been relegated to the couch and coffee table which is about desk height for me so I was using his laptop for the past month while he searched for a new laptop for me.

Apple came out with the new Macbook Neo in a blush pink but it wasn’t really that impressive when we looked at it in person. I was considering the HP Omnibook 5 Flip since that also came in a powder pink and was set at a similar price point as the Macbook Neo but with the convenience of being PC instead of my having to adapt to Apple’s interface. In the end, he found an HP Victus that suited everything I need for it to do, but also suited his needs for when he wants me to participate in video games with him. He was able to custom build it which is great but of course, ended up costing more in the long run. Granted I don’t ask for much in terms of gifts from my husband for birthdays, Christmas and other holidays throughout the year, so he was amenable to splurge on this for me (even though the reason was more so for him selfishly than me lol). Despite building it himself, now he’s a little jealous because it ended up being nicer than his own laptop.

He ordered it about 3 weeks ago and it took a while to build and ship from overseas, but we just got it after getting back from our quick weekend trip. He spent all day setting her up for me and she’s so pretty! She’s a cute shade of blush pink, a smidge brighter than the Neo and more distinctly pink. I love that the keyboard is also all pink. Most laptops even if they’re a splash of color, for some reason, have black keyboards. I hate this because I prefer a more integrated look embracing the full color.

I also learned a few weeks ago that I prefer clicky clacky loud ass keyboards where you can feel and hear the keys typing. I visited the Razer store to feel the difference. I ended up picking the Black Widow V3 keyboard which worked out nicely since she came in pink. I found her on Poshmark too and was able to get a gently used one for $35 since it’s owner wanted to upgrade to a creamier keyboard. She should be coming next week along with a bunny mouse I hope works out. I’m basically making a couch desktop out of my laptop plugging all the external accessories since I prefer a mouse instead of the mousepad and a clicky clacky high profile keyboard instead of soft low profile laptop keys. Maybe that’s part of why I like blogging. It’s like old school typing on a typewriter. I love typewriters actually. I remember using one at a neighbors house when I was younger and I love the feel of them. I just don’t like the permanence of them because let’s be real, your girl makes a lot of typos before finalizing the final draft.

I’m excited to use my new laptop and report back soon on how it feels for my primary purpose of blogging. I did say earlier this year as one of my goals was to get back into blogging more by getting a new laptop. Hopefully this helps motivate me and I can check this off my list of 2026 goals.

New Racing Goals

Last year I took a hiatus from races. This year I’m back and I originally started with the goal of qualifying for the United Half 2027. Today on my long training run, I realized I want to set some running goals for this race season and for the next few years.

I usually don’t focus too much on speed because I just want to have fun and not put too much pressure on myself. I feel like this is how you suck the fun out of things. But I have felt myself getting slower over the years because I wasn’t focusing on speed so now I want to give it more attention and set some conservative goals. I’m going to start small and use them as stepping stones to get to the next. I also want to train my mental mindset to not see failure as a negative but more so a “What can I learn from this?” and “What can I do better next time?” To take it in as information and data to be worked on for next time and not be so hard on myself. I have never looked at another runner and thought that of them so why shouldn’t I also be my own cheerleader and be just as supportive of myself as I am for my fellow runners!? It’s crazy that we are own own worst enemies and critics. Let’s get out of that habit.

Anyways, here are my new goals I’m setting for myself:

• Brooklyn Half Finish Goal: 12:30 pace, finish under 2:45

• Bronx 10 miler: finish under 2 hours

• Qualify for United Half Marathon 2027

• United Half Marathon Goal: 11:30 pace, 2:30 finish time

• Long term goal: Eventually run a sub 2:00 half marathon (this is very out of reach for me but hey, I have the rest of my life to work on this)

• RunDisney Coast to Coast medal

• RunDisney Paris (if they ever bring them back)

• RunDisney Castle to Chateau medal

• RunDisney Hong Kong

• Run at least 1 international race (Paris, Hong Kong, Japan (Tokyo? Kyoto?)

• LA Marathon

• Dopey for 40th birthday?

• Mini goals: get back to 5k/30 minutes and 10k/1 hour

Admittedly, because I don’t really stress over my times, I don’t really look at my race results much. Which is good and bad. Good because I don’t obsess over it, bad because I could’ve worked on this sooner. But honestly the past few years when I was running, my focus was just on having fun and completing the damn races. I did complete the fun run goals because I do love all my race photos and you can see the runner’s high flowing through them. Now that I know I can do all this, I guess it’s time to hone in and lock down on new goals. It’ll give me a new focus and hopefully bring a fun aspect to it and not an obsessive one. I know how I tend to get when I fixate on something, so I’m really hoping to not do that this time around.
I ran the United Half virtual a few weeks ago and looking at the results, it looks pretty bad, not my best time honestly but I ran it just to get it over with, without any training under my belt at the time. Today I ran my 9.5 mile training long run and my pace was closer to 12 min miles so I’m happy that since starting my half marathon training 3 weeks ago, there’s definitely been progress. Fingers crossed, I can pick it up and progress even more in 7 weeks in time for the Brooklyn Half. Looking at my results from the first time I did the Brooklyn Half, I’m hoping I can finish it in 2:45 to beat my 2:47. I wish I could run it faster and set a better goal but I’m being conservative to not disappoint myself but also because I ran it already and I remember those hills in the beginning of the route are no joke. If I can even match my time from 4 years ago, honestly I’ll take that as a win. But hopefully I can best myself.

Also, yes lol I am aware I said I’m retired from full marathons but my goal list has the LA marathon and the Dopey for my 40th on there. These are stretch goals because I am a dumb impressionable idiot and I saw a girl run the LA marathon and posted a reel about all the foods she ate during it and it looks so damn fun. I’ll probably regret it during training if I sign up for it, but hey, I love any reason to go back to LA. And Dopey for my 40th in case I don’t have any other plans by then to celebrate my 40th because why not? Sounds unhinged to run 26.2 for fun for your 40th? Well, it is. But I like to do a lot of stupid unhinged things so it’s on brand for me.

Here’s to hopefully checking off at least half these goals in a few years!