This is a belated birthday post that I originally had drafted together but then life happened and October was a busy month and then November was a whirlwind so here we are.
I wish I could say that I have it all together, that I knew what I was doing, that I’m very happy and know where I’m going. But the truth is, some days I just don’t. I wonder if it’s because I overwhelmed myself that I now have that feeling of uncertainty after finishing a lot of crazy goals this year. After coming off my Dopey high this January, I felt guilty that I couldn’t just be happy with my achievement, despite feeling good about it. I felt compelled to look for the next mountain to climb, but I also struggle with forcing myself to slow down. I really don’t want to do more.
Is it also weird that I feel like I didn’t do much of anything this year? I know I did a lot but sometimes it feels like such a whirlwind you forget it all. I feel like I should’ve done more but I also spent part of the year slowing down and trying to recover from going hard.
I feel like a lot of my life is like that. I feel expected to do more but I really just want to just be sometimes. And unfortunately we live in a world that doesn’t allow us to just be. You’re not allowed to just be happy, just be content, with what you have. Society wants us to yearn for more. Why?
I don’t want to keep up with the Joneses. I just want to be able to keep up with myself. That alone is hard enough because that bitch be doing too much sometimes. I’ve done a lot since 2018 when I started to finally get my shit together but now I have that “now what?” problem since completing a lot of what I wanted to do. And I’m also scared of that because truth be told, I told myself I’d finally settle down and have kids once I’m done with all my shenanigans, but I still don’t know if I’m ready or wanting to have kids. And I feel so weird for it because everyone else around me is in their baby fever-developing families mode. I also feel like I subconsciously keep adding things to my to-do/accomplish list purposely to delay the inevitable.
Sometimes I wish me from the future could call me and tell me it’s going to be okay. You’re where you need to be and it’s all going to work out. Just live and be happy.
I don’t know what I want but I know what I don’t want.
I read earlier this year that it’s so ingrained in us that “making it” and “becoming successful” is rooted in gaining power over others. This doesn't excite, motivate or interest me. I don’t want to climb any more ladders. I don’t want to be anyone’s boss. I don’t care to tell anyone what to do with their life or how to live it. This doesn’t feed my soul. This is not success to me. I’m too far burnt out for that shit.
I've been learning patience with others and learning to be happy for other people for what THEY want, and not how I expect it to play out. As I grow older, I've learned that my idealized version of their happily ever after is not necessarily what they want. Ultimately I want happiness for them. And happiness, as cliché as it sounds, looks different on everyone. I'm learning to be ok with that. There are so many different endings to a happily ever after.
Actually, I lie. I do know some things I want.
I want to love my life. I want to take pictures of everything and everywhere I go. I want to tell the people I love how much I love them all the time. I want to have more courage to take the leaps that help me grow even if it makes me feel uncomfortable in the moment. So many of us live our lives regretting never taking that step. Why should I live my life in fear? So many of us die and no one remembers a thing we did so we might as well take our lives and make it the best story we can write.
Don’t waste that shit.
