“Just because someone carries it well, doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy.”
Sometimes I wish I was a more private person. Scorpios are supposed to be mysterious but it’s not in my nature. I’ve always been an open book and I’ve always liked sharing my world and life experiences with others. I like learning from them and I love that no matter how different two people can be, there are always shared experiences we can relate to in some way. The relatability is what draws me. To be able to empathize and lean on another for support helps to not feel so alone and misunderstood in this world.
This week has been hard. I wish I could talk about what’s going on, but some things I do want to keep private, despite also wanting to share. I’ve been going through so many waves of mixed emotions. I’ve been trying to stay composed and calm best I can, but it’s just a lot. I think that’s also a problem I have. I put on a strong face because I don’t like to look like I carry my baggage through the door wherever I go. One of my pet peeves is working with people who can’t seem to leave their shit at the door. I still get my job done regardless of what’s going on in my life, but I guess that’s also another case of “some people just carry it better.” It also works against me sometimes because those people get treated with caution and patience and given more time to complete their assignments, while I’m expected to “just handle it.” So when I do speak out and ask for help, I’m treated like I’m crying wolf and thought of as “lazy.”
I hope one day I can talk about this, years from now, and unload this heaviness I feel about it. The guilt, the relief, the selfishness, the sadness, the fear. It’s a great reminder of how complex our lives are and how nothing is ever truly black and white. One day you can want something and the next, you realize you didn’t really want it at all.
But for some reason, you still feel a little sad about it. And somehow happy at the same time. Life is odd that way, I suppose.
And it’s ok to feel the way you do. It doesn’t make me a bad or good person. It just makes me…human.
