Love Someone

When you love someone
You open up your heart
When you love someone
You make room.

I love these lyrics. I absolutely love this song. I heard it on the radio a few weeks back and fell in love. And the video is so stinking cute. Love can be applied in so many different ways. It’s not just for lovers but family, children, friends, and other companions in your life. There’s so many different ways to love and be loved.

It’s all about making the people you care about feel just as important and good inside, as they make you feel. Remember to TELL people these things. Don’t assume it should be an unspoken thing. It feels good to hear it sometimes from those you love. Listen when they need you to, help them grow when they need to, be there for them when they need you to be. Trust, it makes a difference.

Sometimes these conversations are “gay” to have, or hard to bring up without seeming cheesy. And it’s hard to be taken seriously sometimes but take the time. I know they’re hard for me to have with the people in my life because the people in my life don’t deal well with heavy subjects. And at the same time, it’s very hard for me allow myself to be vulnerable. Well, it’s hard for anyone to be vulnerable. You don’t want to appear weak and worse, get rejected when you pour your heart out. But regardless of the outcome, I do feel 100% better when I finally lay all my cards out on the table when talking to a loved one about how I feel. It’s like a purge of emotions. I’m a Scorpio so when I feel things, it gets very intense. And bottling things up isn’t healthy.

Sometimes the outcome from having these discussions don’t always go your way. You’re not received or perceived the way you want to come off because people may take things differently than how you mean it. They make take offense, they make interpret it differently, or they just may take longer processing their own feelings because it’s overwhelming for them to understand how you feel. But know that you should never apologize for your feelings. After you lay your cards on the table, the other party is allowed to react however they want to you, but the ball is also in your court in the fact that you may not control all the things that happen to you, but you can control how you react. If the outcome is not what you’re looking for, try to still react with love. Remember, love is patient.

And if these words are hard to say out loud, put them to paper. A love letter may be antiquated but it’s still heartfelt and resonating.

I remember being back in high school when my then-boyfriend now-husband and I were starting to rekindle our relationship. I remember being so scared of rejection, of wasting my time, of getting my heart broken again. I was only 13 at the time but in your teen years, all your emotions are amplified x10. I felt like I was risking everything. Dramatic, I know. But that’s how vulnerability feels. I felt like the world was going to end and every move needed to be precisely calculated at the right time. One wrong move and my world could come crumbling down. But I can also tell you how oh so wonderful it felt when I finally mustered up the courage to hold his hand and he didn’t flinch away in rejection. It felt like I was on top of the world. Looking back, I feel so silly but that’s how it felt at the time. But in retrospect, I can also tell you, it has made all the difference. All those years later, here we are. Because I finally took that leap and poured my heart on the table and opened myself up to love.

My romantic relationship is not the only time I have these moments though. I recently had to go through these difficult talks with my family as well. During my wedding I fought with my mom a lot. But when we finally got down to the nitty gritty to hash things out, we talked about our feelings and what we truly wanted and how much we mean to each other and what other people mean to us. And my dad witnessing all the fighting I was going through with my mom, pulled me aside one day and had a brief but effective talk with me as well. This is special because my father is a man of very little words so when he speaks to me, I know it has to be important. He asked me to please stop fighting with my mother, and told me flat out that he did not care what type of wedding I had, or what I wanted, but that he just wanted both of us to be happy. So please put aside our differences for two of the most important women in his life. This spoke volumes to me because as strong as I try to come off, I still do worry sometimes about how my father perceives me. I wonder what he thinks of my hair, how I dress, how wacky I am. Not that I’ll ever change, but there’s a child part inside of you that wants your family to accept you in some small form or way. And to know that my dad ultimately just wanted me to be happy, was enough for me. And this definitely showed on my wedding day when he danced with me when the DJ put him on the spot for the father daughter dance. All of the drama I ever had with him growing up, all of a sudden, melted away. And there was nothing but love left.

Sometimes those discussions are difficult to have, but they’re absolutely necessary. And honestly, after all the tears and thunderstorms are over, you do feel better.

So. Never be afraid to speak up and voice your feelings to your loved ones. Difficult talks make for better communication lines and better relationships in your life once you weather through those storms.

Trapped

I wrote this on Feb 5, 2010. 9 years ago.

I joke around all the time saying me and Dario are pretty much stuck with each other cause it's been quite a while. In truth, we've been through everything and are still not sick of each other yet. We fight like everyone does, we hurt each other's feelings, we make up, we go shopping, we sit at home and watch movies, we go on random ass trips with our friends, we sing ridiculous stupid songs about fireflies and bad romances in the car when the radio plays and we reenact Chris Brown and Rihanna sometimes (Me being Chris Brown of course. I am, after all, an angry Asian girl.)

 Through all the bullshit, we're still together. Sure we had our thoughts of what it would be like if we were in relationships with other people but when it comes down to it, we just work together. Balance, like yin and yang. I'm quick tempered, he's patient. I like pop music, he likes hip hop, ICP and all that other angry shit even though I'm probably more angsty than he is. He's laidback, I'm not so easygoing when it comes to wanting things to go a certain way. I'm girly and very structured in terms of getting up, getting ready for the day and then finally going out, while he's able to wake up, brush his teeth, put on clothes and head out the door. I wear heels, he rocks DCs. I like pink laptops, he likes motorcycles. I like vanilla lattes with whipped cream and caramel and he likes Monsters. You get the idea. 

It's been 7 years and 4 months to the day.

10.04.02 

We even went to Vietnam and were stuck with each other for 3 weeks, constantly being by each other's side because we were pretty much all each other had in the country. Not one minute did we tire of each other(just the heat because it was like a bajillion degrees). 

I can't wait to finish school and start the next chapter of our lives together. Maybe with a cute mixed Asian baby down the road(and if it's a boy, I'm either sending it down the river in a basket or giving it to Christine). I want to travel the world and visit beautiful countries, all while holding his hand. I'll be there at my wedding in my short ass hoochie dress at the reception and he'll rock his DCs instead of dress shoes, with his Soap MacTavish mohawk. AND AIN'T NOBODY TELLING US WE CAN'T DO IT.

We're unique, we're crazy, and we're still madly in love after all these years. And if I could count 7th grade instead of 9th grade as where we started, I totally would. It didn't matter that we were in 7th grade and stupid and totally just being boyfriend and girlfriend because "everyone else was doing it." We accidentally fell in love and it just took 2 grades to figure it out, haha. 

My first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first real love, my first everything.

The trials of love come in every shape, form, test, trial, color, and emotion.

Looking back, it’s funny because at the time I thought we had been through everything. We had not. It was my naivety talking, and it’s been 9 years on top of those 7 years, and we’ve been through so much more. And yet, I’m sure it’s still only the tip of the iceberg. We learned more about each other as we encountered different types of fights and differences we had to battle through. We pushed boundaries and buttons and tested each other’s limits and insecurities. We hurt each other’s feelings. We apologized. We broke promises. We made new ones. We hurt each other constantly but we also love hard.

Love is not supposed to be easy. If it is, news flash, it’s fake.  It’s hard. It takes time, it takes work and it takes two. Both of you, every day. But you keep at it because you want to. No matter how hard it seems, you’re in it for the long haul because you still can’t get enough of each other. It’s magic.

Funny thing though, we’re still the same people we were years ago, and yet different. We still Netflix and chill like it’s our job when we do have time together. Our actual “us” time has become a smaller window compared to our lives years ago but when we do have time together, we still do the same dumb things. Shop, watch movies, take photos, take trips with friends and family.

We did everything I wrote back then that I wanted to do too, with the exception of the baby part since we’ve switched gears since then. Neither of us want to slow down yet with our selfishness and priorities in life yet to start that chapter. Last I wrote that note, we had just come back from Vietnam. Since then, we’ve conquered California, the Bahamas, Shanghai, Japan, and Paris. And Disneys, hahaha. There’s more I want to do and I’d rather finish off my travel bucket list first before committing to 18 years of no life, lol. I also want to be more financially responsible before we decide to have kids so I want to wait till my student loans are fully paid off so it’s going to be at least 3 more years.

We navigated buying our first home and being homeowners together. And repairing all the little mishaps that come with it along the way. We traveled to Paris on our own last year for the first time and navigated our way through a foreign country alone. It was scary at first but when I had a minute to take it all in, I realized how amazing it was. To be somewhere with your favorite person and for everything to fall into place. It’s really something else. There’s no one else I’d rather be trapped with.

That hasn’t changed still after all these years. I still want to travel the world and visit beautiful countries, all while holding his hand. We’re finally married and still madly in love and I can’t wait for even more chapters of my life to unfold as I write them.