It’s been over a month since I last cried. I don’t know if it’s because of the blonde hair lifting me from my depression or medical intervention or through increased endorphins from a structured half marathon training plan or a combination of everything. I couldn't even tell you why I was crying. A lot of it felt uncontrollable and I couldn't pinpoint the triggers. It was very uncomfortable and frustrating. I didn't recognize this person and I was praying that this wasn't going to become a thing. At this point though, it's only been a month since things have felt like they improved but I'm really hoping they're on the upswing finally but it's too soon to tell.

My last doctor’s appointment showed that my bloodwork was finally back within normal limits but my mental state was still up in the air. We decided it was okay for me to get back on the birth control I was on a few years ago that I was stable on, since the past 12 months of trial and erroring different dosages and combinations was pretty disastrous. The hope is that my hormones finally even out and my mental state improves, and if it doesn’t by my next follow-up, my doctor would start me on Lexapro. The irony isn’t lost on me that despite being a pharmacist and helping people with their medication compliance on their path to feeling better, I was very apprehensive about this new drug therapy plan. I don’t know why. A few friends talked me through it explaining that I wouldn’t shame someone who needs medication for their diabetes or blood pressure, so why would I treat my mental health with such a stigma? They had taken it and it improved their lives for the better. Why was I scared of this? I need to stop living with the notion of “what if you fail?” and more “but darling, what if you fly?”

But in my stubbornness, I was hellbent on getting better this summer to avoid another medication trial.

This time around, for my Disney race training, I’m following a very different type of plan. In the past, all my runs were simply distance based, the goal was to increase distance every week to get my feet used to the time on my feet and build my endurance. I followed Jeff Galloway’s training plans offered on RunDisney’s website. They’re simple and minimal but they do get the job done. But I’ve followed these plans for all my previous races and while they helped me successfully complete my races, I ended up with burnout after my last one, the NYC marathon. I wanted to try something different this go around, and the Nike running app has been great for that. While the Galloway plans had me running 3 times a week, Nike’s half marathon training plan by Coach Bennett has me running 5 times a week. Again, the irony is not lost on me, lol. I know I just said I changed plans because of a case of burnout and yet here I am, on a plan that has me running more. BUT! The runs are vastly different and help to keep things interesting. Every week consists of 2 recovery runs, 2 speed runs - which are switched up and varied every week from fartleks to different intervals and tempo runs- and one long run. The speed runs are short but extremely challenging, as they call for running at your fastest and best performance, while the recovery runs are perfect for exactly that, recovering after days of pushing yourself. And the long runs are there to help you build endurance but avoiding burnout by allowing you to run at a comfortable pace, not pushing you too hard that you can’t maintain the effort for the full distance. I enjoy that these training runs are run with intention and a game plan. It has reawakened the runner in me and helped me find joy in celebrating the small wins again when I log a new PR pace, even if it’s for short bursts during speed intervals. I’ve also really enjoyed starting out slow to warmup and ending my runs with negative splits lately. In the past, I’ve naively started all my runs giving it my all in the beginning and always feeling out of breath in the end. This is probably how I ended up with burnout. Granted I’m not fast to begin with, but I really am learning that old adage, slow and steady wins the race. I’m seriously enjoying this training season, running 5 times a week. I’m a person who craves and loves structure and checking things off a list. I love finishing each week’s plan to help keep me on track, as well as track progress. So yeah, maybe it’s a big part of what’s been lifting my depression after all. I mean, they say exercise gives you endorphins and endorphins make you happy and happy people don’t just off their husbands, right?

And on top of that, on another note regarding training for this race, I spent the entire summer since race registration hoping a 5k registration would open up. I was only able to snag a challenge registration months ago when signups opened because the 5k sold out so quick. It’s opened up sporadically here and there again but every time I try to snag it, it sells out when I get to the last page to submit payment. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t fully excited for the Halloween races; I had fomo from not being signed up for all the races like I normally am. But alas, this week, by grace of a miracle, I was able to snag a 5k registration last minute since charity deadlines are approaching and a few charities lowered their fundraising minimums in order to sell the rest of their bibs. (Note: it’s not that I don’t want to fundraise, but the requirements are usually very high and the risk is if you don’t meet their deadline and quotas, you’re required to pay for the remainder yourself as they hold your credit card for liability and this is a big gamble.) I was able to find a charity with a reasonable limit and donated myself to their cause to receive a bib in return. It worked out for both of us and now I’m excited to say, I am finally officially running the 5k, 10k and half for Disneyland’s Halloween races! I can’t wait to have all 4 medals to proudly show off in my stereotypical Olympian picture for the gram, lol. I know I’m less than 3 weeks away from leaving for my trip but now I’m finally in the mood to be excited and finally start planning race costumes and park bounds. It definitely feels a little late but my excitement is taking over and I’m sure it’ll make up for my procrastination. I have an idea in mind and I’m excited to pull it off. I also am finally working on a Halloween costume for my October trip so fingers crossed, that one works out in time too.

I’ve also started to slowly learn my camera and play around with settings to my liking. I’m not an expert at it yet but I’ve been really liking the photos lately so hopefully I can get better with time to improve my photos. I loved the ones from my lavender visit this year. The natural lighting was perfect and everything just looked so dreamy how I was able to envision it for my sister to frame and shoot for me. I’m getting more confident with being able to take my own photos which helps since it seems like everyone’s schedules don’t always align anymore to hang out and shoot.

It’s also enragingly maddening how much more I’ve been enjoying my photos since I’ve gone back to blonde, lol. Although the years of dark hair has helped build a tolerance to not hating it as much anymore so I don’t feel compelled to fix my roots every 4-5 weeks like I did in the past. I went 8 weeks this time before my first touch-up and I wasn’t mad about it. I probably could have continued on but the longer you go, the longer I’ll have to sit in the chair later on because beyond a certain length, it requires more product and time to touch up and color match. I also didn’t have any major shoots or events planned so I felt less compelled to keep up with it. I was just content with just being back to blonde. I do miss the healthiness and shininess of my natural dark hair which I’m reminded of every time I have to wash and dry this beast, but this, it just feels right. I feel…reborn. Like new life has been breathed back into my slowly dying corpse this past year. I’m looking forward to having this girl back and being at 100% operational capacity. It’s going to take some time but I’m finally feeling less hopeless and more hopeful that I can take control of myself and change the course of this ship around. For the past 2 years I felt like a candle nearing the end of it’s life, when it’s burning real low. And for the first time in a long time, I realized I haven’t felt like that in weeks. Here’s to my reanimation.