I haven’t been motivated to blog much recently. Despite wanting to make it a goal to blog more this year. This past month has been rough. I wish I knew what was wrong, but I can’t seem to pinpoint the problem or the triggers. I’m really hoping it goes away soon. It did drive me over the edge into going back to blonde. I was trying to hold it off as long as I could but it didn’t work out. The irony of it was that the weekend right before I went back to blonde, I did my last photoshoot as a brunette (not knowing it was going to be the last time) and ended up taking my favorite photos.

But alas, it wasn’t enough to keep me dark and thus, the blondie has re-emerged. The second irony of it happened a week later when I tried to wash my hair and remembered how damaged and terrible the bleach is for my hair and part of me started regretting what I had done. But I also anticipated this because it was the inner struggle in me trying to fight which side would win. I hated the color of my brunette natural hair, but I LOVE how healthy and shiny it looked. And how easy she was to blow dry and style so quickly and maintain. With the blonde, I LOVE how beautiful she looks and I truly feel like myself again, but I do not enjoy the maintenance, the work, all the different hair products required to conjure this magic in making it look presentable every day, and all the costs that comes with it. It’s also been terribly tangly since the bleaching. It takes longer to dry. I have to dedicate hours to wash day. You can’t have it all.

I am hoping that she helps bring me back to normal again though. I want to feel like me again. I feel like I haven’t been myself in quite some time and it feels awfully terrible. I feel lost, like I lost my spark of being me. I used to be this bubbly, vibrant, fun bitch that was always ready to do a million things and so ready to plan so many events and be in so many places at once and now I feel like it takes me forever to plan and decide on things. I dread getting ready sometimes, which is not like me. I used to love putting together outfits and looks and getting dolled up. Who am I right now? I don’t know her and I don’t like her.

Especially since I do actually have some things lined up that I usually look forward to but recently, I haven’t been able to muster the same amount of excitement I usually have for them. I’m training for the Disneyland Halloween races and while training is going well, I haven’t had the same energy I usually do for Halloween nor races. Which is wildly troublesome since this event is a combination of two of my favorite things. So it’s definitely a red flag something is wrong. It’s also the first year I can’t figure out what I want to be for Halloween events! I have nothing lined up. I feel like I’m going to end up re-wearing something, which is fine, I’ve done this with cosplays no issue, but I’ve just never felt this way and that’s what’s troubling me. I feel like Miss Clavel singing something is not right. I really hope whatever it is, clears up by the end of summer. I want a hot girl summer, not a sad girl summer.