This is my third time completing the Insanity program in it’s entirety! I know I’ve done it before but I still can’t believe it sometimes because of how hard and intense the program is, and how long it is since it lasts 63 days. I did take 3 extra rest days due to life and my schedule but I tried really hard to show up everyday; wake up, do the workouts and stick to it as much as possible even when I didn’t feel up to it. I told myself the sooner I finish, the closer I’ll be to the end. And I’m glad I did. It really helps to build on my discipline when motivation is lacking. When you have a routine, it helps to build it into a life long habit.

I had no “goals” this round other than needing a break from running and the gym and I think this helped. I’m excited to get back to lifting and start training for Princess 2023 as the weather starts to cool down. This past August was also a hot one with heat waves all around so it was a good break from running to avoid the heat and that UV index. I probably would have gotten sun poison. I did get rid of my nasty tan from all the races earlier this year so that's a win!

I didn’t lose any weight this time around, but rather I gained weight. I feel it in my thighs mostly and since Insanity is a lot of jumping and body weight exercises, I’m thinking it might be leg muscle. I’m hoping to lean it out this fall if possible. I’m not exactly hating the way I look at the moment, but I am still psychologically stuck on the number for some reason. I did force myself to weigh myself less often this summer to not let it bother me and it did help my mental health. One of these days, I won’t be a slave to it anymore.

Physically though, I honestly don't see a big difference throughout all 63 days fit test checkpoints picture-wise and annoyingly for me, the scale says I'm heavier at 133lbs currently. I'm still trying to work through my mental demons that make me feel like a higher number is a bad thing when it's not because I know it's good lean muscle gain, but it's something I'm still working on to this day.

One day I want to not be fixated on that one number but it's a work in progress. I want to be free from that chokehold it has on me. I want to be able to be proud of the work I put in to my fitness because I do think I've been working really hard at it for the past 5 years and I want things like scale numbers to stop overshadowing how I feel about myself. I want to stop beating myself up about it and stop thinking I'm not enough still. Last night I came across old pictures from Aug 2014 and I’m so mad at myself because I remember feeling so discouraged and disappointed in myself at the time thinking I was fat when in reality and in retrospect, I looked completely fine. I was working hard training to look good for my wedding and I had mentally psyched myself out thinking I was heavier than I was because I felt like absolute shit being the “heaviest” of my friends when they took our measurements to alter our dresses. It had me fucked up. And I wish I could say things are different today but honestly I know they're not. I'm still working on it and those demons are still very much here today creeping up from time to time. But that's the reality of body dysmorphia. It really messes with your self image and blurs that mirror image into thinking you're staring into a fun house mirror of yourself no matter what size you are.

Fit test results-wise, I am proud though of the way I progressed with each check in day. Some moves, I didn’t make a huge improvement but I am insanely proud that my starting point was better than my starting point the last time I did this program in 2020. It’s crazy how much more I could do in certain exercises because I thought I had reached the max on the day 50 mark but the day 63 mark I found myself still improving. I’m also very proud of this given I’m really sore currently from Sunday’s lifting session in the gym and 5k run, both being my first day back to lifting and running after a 2 month hiatus. I was pretty sore but I pushed myself to get this done today and I thought that soreness would hinder those numbers from getting higher but it turned out better than I thought. You really never start from scratch again once you build a good foundation. You start from experience. It feels great to look at these results. These are the true numbers that define the work I put in over the past 63 days.

I feel like I have a love-hate relationship with the Insanity program. It’s hard, it’s definitely hard. Some days you just dread it because you know how hard it’s going to be. But I push through and force myself to get through it because as long as you just push play, do what you can, it’s over quick and you feel so good afterwards. I like that you get a lot done in a short amount of time. It truly is a good workout and maximizes your time if you have just 40 minutes to an hour to work out. And the fit test really does help in seeing your progress well instead of just relying on scale numbers and physical changes. You feel stronger every time you see your fit test results go up every 2 weeks. I always feel like I won’t do well and I always surprise myself. Would I want to do this again? Absolutely not. Will I do this again? Probably yes. Why do I say no and yes? Because it’s an absolutely grueling workout and at the same time, effective. It’s always a great way to shake up my current routine when I get bored or burned out and need something else. Which is probably why I keep coming back to it every few years.

Until the next time I do this, I’m looking forward to picking up the pace and getting back to running and lifting weights starting this week. Hopefully this helped jumpstart my body out of its plateau. Only time will tell. In the meantime, I do want to say I’m proud of myself for my consistency in staying active and maintaining my discipline even if I don’t always feel motivated to work out. I started this fitness journey back in 2018 and it truly is never ending. To this day I’m still learning new things and working on the mental aspect of it to accept my body in all it’s changes, stages and developments. I would love to say I'm doing better than those days but if I'm being honest with myself, my body dysmorphia and how I view myself is still a work in progress. I'm trying to work on it but the mental part is a much slower process. But I guess that's a part of the fitness journey. The self love part. I also need to step away from toxic people and sources that make me feel otherwise about my body. I need to give myself credit for how far I’ve come in the past 5 years I’ve put into this. I’m so proud of my work with Crowned Athletics and Popflex and how they reached out to me to help with campaigns. I mean, I’ve got to be doing something right, right? I need to surround myself with more people and vibes that make me feel better and not worse about my body to help overcome these demons. There is a lot of unlearning and work I need to do to really work on the mental part of that journey. Sometimes I wonder if I need therapy and how it could really help fix that part of my mental health. One day though hopefully if I ever come close to attaining that peace. I don't think I'll ever get over it because it's so ingrained in us growing up in culture, social media, and through the people who we interact with regularly and influence our lives, but I do want to be able to one day no longer associate my weight with my happiness and self worth and love myself the way I am no matter what my specific gravity on Earth is. I hope I can give myself that gift of that level of grace one day.

Here’s to the next few months, getting back to lifting and running and hopefully leaning out to finish out the year!