2 years ago I wrote this blog post about how conflicted I felt as an American. I wish I could say today that I felt different, that things have improved, that I was no longer conflicted. Unfortunately, 2020 has not been kind to America. Or to the world in general. These are tempestuous times. I am even more conflicted than I was 2 years ago.

There’s so much going on right now and it’s only July. Every month we’re fighting a different battle without being done with the last. It’s really sad. It gets overwhelming a lot of the times to try and keep current and up to date with so much information. It’s a lot to take in. It’s a lot to read, to watch, to process. Racism is never going to go away, I know that. But I really hope that it would at least improve. We need to work towards progress, change, something better. It’s 2020 and it’s really a joke that we’re still pushing for equal rights, civil rights, hell just the rights to live in general. It’s tiring to be Black. To be an immigrant. To be LGBTQIA. To be a woman. To be poor. Or hell, all of the above.

Coronavirus is still far from over, unfortunately. As New York climbs out of the darkness, the rest of the country is only getting started because they thought it was all a joke. Now they’re facing the music. Le sigh. Because Americans have this weird obsession with “freedom” and thinking their rights are being infringed upon, the few ruin it for the many with their defiance in not wearing masks and refusing to social distance. Their insistence of opening things up before it is ready is going to put everyone’s lives and health in jeopardy.

Violence against women is another heavy topic where we have a lot of work to do. The #IamVanessaGuillen stories have me so disgusted and losing faith in this world. I remember watching The General’s Daughter years ago. It was a really sad movie and now to learn that rape culture is more common, widespread, tolerated and covered up in THE MILITARY of all places is really disturbing and sickening. It’s been happening forever and we’re only now learning more about it because people are finally speaking up. It’s like that quote about racism; racism is not getting worse, it’s getting filmed. It’s disgusting that women who are simply trying to go to work and serve our country do not have a safe space to work and just…exist. And there is no such thing as a safe reporting system either. NO accountability, NO consequences, NO justice for those violated. It’s absolutely disgusting. I don’t really have any other word for it. People talk about the rape of Nanking but here on American soil, we are no better to our OWN PEOPLE. Their own brothers and sisters.

I wish there was something we could do to fix all this. But unfortunately, we do not live in a perfect world. It’s not going to happen overnight and it’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be hard. It’s going to take a lot, and it’s going to be uncomfortable for a long time. But this is what I learned the past few years. Growing pains. I have hope though because even in Pandora’s box, it was the one thing left in it when it was opened. Hope. 2020 is the year we’re being forced to face everything we’ve been purposely trying to avoid addressing - climate change, the problems in healthcare and public health, rampant racism, xenophobia, immigration to escape dangerous living conditions/environments, rape culture, the drowning sea of student loan debt, the crumbling economy and minimum wage not keeping up with the impossible costs of living due to problems caused by baby boomers, the list goes on. We’ve been sleeping on too many issues and it’s time to wake up. Now it feels overwhelming but it’s really our own fault.

Sometimes it feels impossible. Sometimes I feel hopeless. Sometimes I feel like there is really nothing I can do. But I also can’t sit back and do nothing. There’s always something we can do. Even the journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. So what do we do? We start by trying our best to educate ourselves. Read up. Watch educational movies. Ask questions. Share experiences. It also starts in the home. Talk to those closest to you. Help them to understand. Sometimes I feel like I’m just one person but at the same time, sometimes, all it takes is one person to make a change, even if you only help one person. Change also has a ripple domino effect. Teaching another will in turn help them teach another person to keep an open mind and heart, to re-evaluate their previous views, to want to educate themselves further. We use our voices to amplify those who don’t have one. Social media today is a big tool to help spread the word and effect change. You can easily share live news, art, educational videos, etc. to show the truth behind what’s happening to help educate others. We can help provide resources and encourage others on how to help.

I read this quote earlier today and it resonated with me. “It’s time for us to stop bragging that we are super special, that the world should follow, we need to look inside to see what’s wrong with us. We never honestly asked ourselves about race in this country.” Biden’s tweet also rings true: “Our nation was founded on a simple idea: We’re all created equal. We’ve never lived up to it — but we’ve never stopped trying. This Independence Day, let’s celebrate those words ,let’s commit to finally fulfill them.” It’s true that as “great” as America always brags to be, we have never truly lived up to our words. But we are also a relatively new country compared to the rest of the world. We have been changing and evolving since it’s birth and although we struggle a lot, we have also made progress. We’re definitely not done yet, but we’re working towards it.

I’ll admit that before Trump era days, I didn’t see the importance of voting. But after seeing what mine and other’s inactions have done in thrusting us into a dark age, I registered a few years ago, and have tried to keep up with it and take it more seriously in recent years. I’m really hoping this year we can effect some type of change. That my generation and the younger generation wakes up and works towards a better future.

I hope one day I won’t feel so conflicted about this day. That the conflicting feelings I have will lessen instead of increasing year after year. I have hope that we will grow from this. Change is happening. We are living through an important time in history right now with racial injustice at the forefront, national unrest due to a plethora of equal rights issues, a global epidemic. It may not happen in my lifetime, but I have hope that one day the pledge of allegiance will finally ring true. With justice and liberty for all.

The following is a list of some films I recommend you watch if you have the time. They’re on Netflix. If you have any recommendations for me, please leave them in the comments!

1. When They See Us

2. The 13th

3. LA 92

4. Disclosure

5. Time: The Kalief Browder Story

6. Knock Down The House

7. Athlete A

8. Pandemic

9. Surviving R Kelly

10. Murder to Mercy