I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed in myself because I am. I was able to get down to 105 lbs for my birthday. It wasn't easy last time either but this time around felt even more difficult. I didn't change much of anything and I kept my cutting diet the same. If anything I was only increasing my cardio to do longer running times/distances to train for the half marathon, but I was still keeping up with lifting because I was so scared of losing all the progress I made since cardio tends to make you lose everything. I love how sculpted my body looks through lifting. But for the life of me I couldn't reach my goal of 105. I'm stuck rubberbanding between 107-109. I know the number on the scales shouldn't matter but for me, they do. I'm still a slave to it. One of these days I'll wean myself off of stepping on the scale so much. I can't tell if my plateau is from my body getting used to what I've been doing or if it's because I've reached the point where my weight loss is in equilibrium with my gains. Or both. 

Although at the same time I can't be entirely mad. Regardless of the scales not budging, my body has definitely changed in the last 4 months in small but noticeable ways. I bought new jeans during Black Friday sales since I was swimming in my old ones and now I find myself swimming in those too! Great for me to still be melting some inches off but sucks to have wasted money again. 😅 Or this is the universe telling me to stop buying pants already even if it's just one pair to have on the side. I rarely wear pants but I do like to every once in a while to look "normal" when out with the boy to spare him the embarrassment of my wacky fashion sense. 

I definitely love how I look more so than I did 4 months ago so I definitely welcome all the minor changes as my body fine tunes itself in this stage. But maybe that's also it. The pounds don't come off as easily anymore because it's all fine tuning at this stage. My body is trying to cling on to whatever I have left as I fight to lose more. At this point I need to relax and just celebrate the little wins. I do need to learn to practice being kinder to myself, I think. You’ll always be your own worst critic, and sometimes, you’ll never be enough for yourself. But this is how it happens. I look back on old photos of myself and wonder why I used to think I was “so fat” way back when. I was harsh on myself then. But nothing has changed. I definitely think I’ve improved since I started working on my fitness and I’m really proud of how I look right now, but I still think it’s not enough for some reason. Like my stomach isn’t as flat still as I would like to have it. My waist isn’t as small as I would like to have it. I have issues. My vanity does not allow me to not have body image issues. When will it ever be enough? I look at the selfies above and I feel really good. I'm loving what I've done. But then I step on the scale and I'm like there's more you can do. There's room for improvement. 😑😑😑

But I do recognize that I've come a long way since last year. Last year I could barely do skull crushers. Running for more than 5 minutes was torture. Planks were torture. I could barely do a push-up. Everything was terrible. But slow by slow, the progress came. Eating clean everyday was really hard too. Having to come up with quick and easy meals everyday for work and slowly shrinking my stomach down to get used to smaller portions and eating more frequently was hard. But it was doable. It took more than 21 days (so that do something for 21 days and it will become habit thing is definitely a lie) but I finally can say it's finally become habit after a year. I still can't wake up for the life of me but it's routine now for me to get up and gym as the first thing I do when I get up in the morning. I don’t fight to go to the gym, I actually look forward to going everyday, even after I finish a workout. And I find myself eating clean more often out of my own choice even when I'm not working on a goal. It’s subconscious decision making now.

But I’d also being lying if I said I’m not terrified of what’s to come this week for this week's challenge of my first race ever. My nerves have got me on edge for the past few weeks playing worse case scenarios over and over in my head in case freak accidents happen. I know it'll probably be fine but this anxiety is still looming over my head. I’ve already had bizarre nightmares about it. I know I’ve been training for a long time and I’ve gotten past the hump from my knee setback and then in the past month pushed past 10, 15, 18, and now 20k in my training, but for some reason I’m still really scared about not finishing. What if I don’t finish? What if someone trips me? What if I twist something? What if I injure my knee during it? What if something crazy happens? What if I'm feeling off that day? How embarrassing would it be after all this time? But then again, what if all goes well? What if I cross that finish line no problem? I need to start thinking the opposite way. If I can dream it, I can do it. I need to not let the fear take over me. Because honestly, what have I not been able to do? I have no idea why I still allow these things to hold me back from greatness.

It IS a scary thing to think about though. What happens if I complete it? What if it IS everything I’ve dreamed for it to be?  What do I do then?

Maybe it’s because I’m afraid to dream bigger once I see this dream through. Set bigger goals, bigger mountains, more great things. Why? Why am I afraid to dream a little bigger, darling?

I'm done with training though. I leave Thursday so I'm just lifting and doing short runs and taking it easy until I leave. And carbing up and increasing my hydration. So I'm definitely too terrified now to look at the scales and make my nerves even worse. I got up to 20k though for my final long run in my training so I'm leaving it up to Sunday to earn that medal for the full distance. I'm excited and nervous and all sorts of emotions. I still have yet to pack though. 😅 Some things never change.

 As terrified as I am though, I'm determined to give it my all and see this through. 🤞🏼 And I'm so happy for the company that's coming with me to be my cheerleaders as I speed towards the finish line of this goal I set for myself a year ago!