Some days I feel like I’m a queen, and other days I feel like a failure.

Don’t worry, I’m still working on the Disney Cruise blog review but it’s a lot of photos I have to sift through and a lot I have to write down and organize so I’m still working on it. I’ve been working my real job since I got back from my trip with only a few days off and I’ve been using those days to catch up on plebeian errands and regular life stuff. I’ll get it done soon.

I wanted to blog about something real quick because I came across two separate things this week that resonated with me a common message.

Especially this week because I was feeling super guilty about extending my break from clean eating beyond my vacation. I simply wanted to take some more time enjoying my favorite foods before going back to my regular gym and diet routine. But I always forget how terrible I’m going to feel during it because of how sensitive my body is to sugar and salt and how fast it bloats up from it but takes forever to recover once I get back on track to fix it. And then coupled with the fact that when I started running again, my first run was absolute shit - 10k in 1 hour and 15 minutes. Much slower than my usual 1 hour and 5-6 minutes. Granted I had been off for a bit and my nutrition wasn’t on point so I definitely felt the effects but it didn’t help my confidence. I had to reassure myself that my body just had to work up to it again and recondition itself back to my norm. Which I did. I forced myself this week to go hard in the gym and I ended up overcompensating, leaving myself feeling super sore but I did gain 2 new PRs during it! It was hard but I pushed through and survived so celebrate the little wins, right? I finally did 5k in 30 minutes and then finally broke 10k in an hour. Now if only I can complete the half in under 2 hours and 30 minutes in February. I’m setting this goal for myself for training but I’m also going nervous to not meet this goal. I always beat myself up when I don’t.

Which brings us to the main topic. Be kind to yourself. This is something I need to start practicing more often and learn to not be so hard on myself. It’s a common topic in this day and age for a lot of reasons but this week it resonates with me because of two things that happened.

The first thing is I discovered an old high school classmate of mine passed away. Unfortunately I didn’t keep in touch with him as much as I would have liked to over the years so I had to do a little digging to find out how he passed and unfortunately I think it happened by suicide. He was one of the nicest people I’ve ever met growing up (I know how cliche that sounds but it's true, he REALLY was one of the rare few honestly nice people you'll ever meet in your life), who never judged me for my style, ethnicity, who I was, nothing. He embraced my originality and quirks in high school and always made an effort to reach out and talk to me. He was also my friendly competition in my senior year, as we were neck and neck for the salutatorian rank, but he was gracious about it when I ultimately beat him. I feel guilty about not keeping in touch with him over the years since he did make efforts to keep in touch with me. He even came to visit me once when he was in town, when I was still at CVS, after finding out from his mom that I worked there. Last I saw him a few years ago, he was doing well, moving into his new condo, and working at a job he enjoyed in a different state from here, our hometown. From my social media digging, I did find that he left this world the same as I knew him; a great friend to all. He was caring, friendly and helpful to everyone he encountered in his life. He was just an all around great guy. I wish I knew what happened and what he was struggling with. But it’s another unfortunate lesson to learn that we don’t always know what is going on with other people’s demons. I can see him being hard on himself and stressing himself out with work or whatever issues he had going on. Although he seemed to be on the right track to success so I can’t really see what could have been the trigger issues, it all comes back to the whole be kind to yourself theme.

The second thing is two separate conversations I had today with two friends. Both friends run in different and separate social circles, so I found it funny they both had the same thing to say to me. One was via message and one was in person. Neither felt like it was in their place to say anything because they didn’t feel close enough to me to know me like that but that looking in from the outside, they felt I worked really hard and do so well but that I’m always focusing on what I’m lacking instead of focusing on the here and now. They told me I need to give myself more credit and to be nicer to myself and my efforts.

It does feel really good to hear that from someone just looking in from the outside because we’re so bias on ourselves that we don’t see what’s clearly in front of us. We always see the bad instead of focusing on the good. It’s like…when you have a perfectly good day but then one person says one thing bad to you and for some reason, you let that ruin the whole day. Why? Why do we do this? Just because you get one flat tire, do we throw away the whole car? Don’t let the demons in your head win. You owe it to yourself to see how far you can truly go when you don’t let them stand in your way and drag you down. Why are we always harder on ourselves? We wouldn’t be this way to our friends and loved ones.

I feel like my bad habits of being hard on myself stem from being brought up Asian, with high expectations and standards that end up with you feeling like you’re “never good enough.” I know my parents raised me with good intentions though, to keep me humble and to strive for excellence and they’re not wrong for doing so, but I also have to break out of that mindset and recognize that I am good enough. I can do it and I have to let myself be human sometimes. I don’t have to be “on” all the time and I should give myself time to relax, let loose, breathe once in a while.

Setbacks are normal. They are not a failure. They are a sign that you are on your way. Don’t give up. Make some alterations or adjustments, buckle up and keep going. Queens aren’t queens because they’re always on top. They are strong and humble enough to know and say “Hey I need to take a step back. I need more time. This is not to be rushed.”

When you can learn this and apply it to your life, you glow from the inside. You’ll attract the right kind of people, the kind that love, respect and appreciate your energy. You are magnetic.

I read this quote a while back:

“When a photographer can’t change a scene, he changes his angle and lens to capture the best of that scene. Similarly, when you can’t change a situation in your life, change your perspective to get the best out of that situation. Try to be a filter, not a sponge.”

I need to stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and to stop obsessing over my negatives. I need to start being excited of what could go right. And where I’m ultimately headed. And to appreciate what I have right now before time makes me appreciate what I had.